Can I buy another vowel? Going from Fat to Fit!

Mind of a Freethinker!!

2011-03-14T06:14:00.000-05:00

Come visit my other blog!

Splurge!!

2011-01-17T15:16:00.002-06:00

We all need a moment here and there to indulge ourselves. I have the perfect site just for that occasion. I personally guarantee that these are the most scrumptious and delicious treats ever!! The caramels are seriously to die for!! And the best part is you can have them sent right to your home.

Another cool thing is the party planning feature. Laura, the owner, is simply amazing and you will have the most memorable party and more fun than you can imagine. Her children's birthday parties are always "The even of the year" and heavily anticipated.

Here's to the sweetest sweets! Enjoy!!!

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-06T12:43:00.002-06:00

I am starting 2011 with a renewed sense of determination. I will get below 200 pounds this year. I am going to take this one day at a time, one step at a time, and one bite at a time! I pledge to keep looking forward and not to dwell on the past. We can all accomplish our goals!!

A new post...finally!

2010-12-27T03:13:00.003-06:00

I am still around. I have been meaning to post something for a long time now. I have gained some of my weight back, but not all of it. I am trying to get back into exercising. I even ran again, and it did feel good to get outside and move. I am looking forward to starting a new year and keeping at this weight loss goal of mine. I think the most important thing I have learned is that even if you fall off of the wagon it does not mean you give up. I am not discouraged and will just keep at it and WILL reach my goal. My first big goal is still to get back under 200. I may never get "skinny" but I do want to be under 200 again. I saw some pics the other day of me back when I was 172 and I did look pretty damn good. I was thin and the sad thing is that when I weighed that, I still thought I was fat. I am not going to make that mistake again. This time I am celebrating every single pound lost and I am recognizing how great I look at every weight. The # is not what matters, it is how I feel that counts.

I will try to write more from now on. I hope some of you are still around to keep me going.

Thanks!!

Rock it, live it, own it!!!

Back to running and checking off on goals

2010-06-27T13:33:00.002-05:00

I have gotten back on track with my C25K and I am feeling great. I am still in shock at how much I am enjoying going out and running. It just feels so wonderful. I never did run back in P.E. during my school days. I had an excuse, asthma, at least that is what I told myself. I just hated exercise and did not think I could ever enjoy it.

On the C25K training schedule you do not run two consecutive days in a row. On my off days I have a hard time not getting out there for a run. Today I officially started W2. I know I have said this before but remember when I first started I could not run a full minute so I started at week 0 by running 30 seconds, and I did that for a while. Then I stopped running altogether when it got so hot here in Texas, and went to just working out on the elliptical in my room. But the date for the 5K in August keeps getting closer and I realized that I have to train regardless of the heat.

Today was the 3rd run in a row where I got up early and got my run in before it was so hot that I melted away. The weather was actually very nice this morning and there was even a refreshing breeze as I ran south. I could not wait for the moments when I got to run under the shade of some over hanging trees. That was like heaven and a much needed break from the blazing sun.

I did very well during the first half of the run. I had been so worried about increasing my runs to over a minute because I just could not see how I would be able to make it. But I did it and it was not so bad. This week I run for 90 seconds and walk for 2 mins. After the walk I am ready to run again, in fact could probably run sooner than the 2 mins. but I follow the schedule. Now the second part of the run got a little tough. My thighs started to burn and during the last 2 intervals I had to really push myself and not give up. The feeling of accomplishment is like nothing else. I love that feeling more than I do when I drop a size (and that is an amazing feeling on its own).

The last 2 days I have weighed and my weight has been up at some times 5 lbs. I know I should not weigh all the time but I do it anyway. I have found that I am one of those who likes to see how my weight fluctuates. I am not letting the added weight get to me too much. I have increased my water intake so much the last few days I thought maybe that was part of it. When I weighed earlier I was up just 2 lbs. I did eat out yesterday and had 2 adult beverages (vodka tonics with a splash of cranberry juice). My older sister was in town to celebrate her birthday. At the restaurant my mom and I split an order of steak quesadillas but I did have some fried jalapeno slices as an appetizer.

I also did not work out on Friday or Saturday. I did a run on Thursday and then like I mentioned earlier I ran today. I also did 20 mins. of strength training today. I have decided that I am going to focus more on just eating right and the exercise and that the weight will come off as it does. I know that was really the plan all along but it is so easy to get all focused on the numbers. I just had to remind myself to focus on the good feeling of working out and eating healthy. Everything else will come naturally from that.

As for my goals for the mini/booster challenge. I have been drinking and tracking my water intake. I have been hitting the 64oz. goal and even got 80 oz. in on Thursday. The bathroom has become my new best friend! I have not eaten any peanut butter and honestly have not even craved any so all is good in that department. So, far I have not worked out on the elliptical since I started the runs again. I am planning to use the elliptical on my off days from the running, so tomorrow I will be hitting the 5 resistance. And this blog counts as a positive post. So all is good in the goal department.

Keep having a rockin' good week!!

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

MLHAS Weigh in: Week 7

2010-06-24T07:25:00.005-05:00

This is going to be a quick post because I am trying to hurry and head out for a run before it gets too hot.

Last week I weighed in at 112 lbs. This week I am down 2 lbs. to 210 lbs. I am excited about that. It looks like I have found exactly what where I want to be to maintain a steady 2 lb. loss.

For exercise minutes this week I completed only 180 mins. I took 2 days off and the other days I worked out for around 35 mins. Of course I do want to increase that number but I am happy with at least getting in 30 mins. for 5 days.

This week The Exquisite Christine has thrown us a Booster Challenge (a challenge within out challenge) and has asked us to come up with 4 goals for the next 4 weeks. My goals are as follows:
1. Drink a minimum of 64 oz. of water everyday and track it.
2. Push myself to get up to a resistance of 5 during every elliptical workout.
3. Blog more and when I do blog I want to stay more positive than negative.
4. Eliminate all peanut butter from my diet. (luckily this is for just 4 weeks!)

I have found out that I really do love peanut butter. I normally eat just half a serving (1 tbsp. for 90 calories) but that is a pretty big hit when you are only eating 1200 calories a day. So for the next 4 weeks I am not going to eat any peanut butter. I can do this!!

Ok, I am off to go run. Hope everyone had an awesome week.

Live it, rock it, own it!
Lisa

YumJared Challenge - Please donate

2010-06-23T10:10:00.002-05:00

I hope that everyone can find at least $1 to donate to finding a cure for Juvenile Diabetes.

Thank you to The Anti-Jared and Yum Yucky for providing us with the challenge.

My Biker Hubby, Plus Saying Goodbye to Clothes

2010-06-19T06:04:00.006-05:00

Not sure if I mentioned it on my blog but I did say something on FB, but my hubby got himself a motorcycle yesterday. He has to go take the motorcycle safety class this weekend to get his license so he has not driven it yet. I am debating on riding along or not. Maybe I will eventually when he gets more experience, and when I am lighter! :)

But I had to come and post some pics that I took yesterday afternoon. I am wearing one of my new dresses from Old Navy and I just love it. I debated getting this one and a random lady in the dressing room area talked me into it. So glad that she did because I do like it a lot.

I also could not resist having hubby take a few pics of me in my size 24 jeans. I was going through the closet and getting rid of everything that is too big. I had been holding onto a lot of clothes and using belts, because otherwise I would have been going naked. But here lately I have been slowly buying up new clothes and now I feel like I have enough stuff to wear without resorting to old, baggy, clothes that are huge on me. (Note to Kelli: I got everything together last night to send to you, finally.) I think that the capris looked much bigger in person. They are especially big in the thigh/leg and butt area. I had to hold them up or they would fall right down. My hubby asked me if I was happy or sad to get rid of all my clothes. I told him that I was both. I am so glad to be in a smaller size but at the same time I had to let go of a lot of clothes that I truly loved. Plus a lot of the clothes I have had for a long time and had some great times and made good memories in them, so yes it can be a little hard to let go. But on the bright side now I have tons of room for new stuff. Bring on the shopping!

I was so very excited last night because it has finally hit me how much weight I have really lost. I am the perfect example of an apple shape and I normally wear my shirts a size or two bigger than my pants size. It normally takes me forever to lose enough weight to even make a dent in how my shirts fit. You know that I had bought some new clothes from Old Navy and was so excited to wear "normal" sizes. Well I had heard that their sizes do run a little big so I was not all that surprised that I could wear their clothes. But yesterday as I was out shopping I realized that I can wear shirts from the "normal" section at pretty much all stores. I am now no longer having to shop in the plus-size section.

In fact I bought some shorts from Wal-mart, just some cheap running around shorts, and I didn't even need the XXL size 20, nope I got to get the XL size 16-18. And I bought a shirt in a size XXL but it is going to be big pretty darn soon. This is just so exciting and so much fun. This is what makes all the hard work so worth it.

If you are not there yet, it will happen. And it can happen almost over night. I swear it was just a couple of weeks ago that many of the clothes I just got rid of, fit me perfectly. Do not give up because you will see the results. It may take weeks, months, or even a couple of years but you will get there. If you give up then you can forget it, you have no hope of getting there. Do not do that to yourself. You deserve to feel this good, we all do. So please keep fighting and just stick with it. I honestly believe that 90%, if not more, of weight loss is mental.

Now go out there and-

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

Xerxes Paramonos (a strange post)

2010-06-18T06:40:00.004-05:00

I have been wanting to name my elliptical for a while now. This morning I finally sat down to try and come up with a name. I know, I am such a big dork, but hey that is me. I have a Pro-Form XP so I wanted to incorporate the XP. Yes, I am aware that makes me an even bigger dork, oh well. I came up with the name Xerxes Paramonos. I had to do a little research since X names are hard to come up with in the first place and to top that off I wanted some meaning behind the name. A big order but it was done. Xerxes in Greek means "ruler of the heroes" and Paramonos also in Greek means "endurance". I found the names to be very fitting of my exercise equipment.

You might be thinking that I have lost my mind or that I am on some type of drugs right now. I assure you that I am not. I can be a strange bird and this morning I am letting that side of me shine with pride. I have known others to name their exercise machines and/or their car, so I don't think I am too out there with this one. Have you ever named an inanimate object?

I have an orange Scion XB and when we first got it my husband and I tried to give it a name. I think we decided on "Orange you glad to see me?" or maybe it was something to do with UT Longhorns. I don't really remember the final verdict but it whatever it was it never stuck. Now it is just called "my car" when I refer to it or "your car" when hubby refers to it. He has the truck and as of yesterday a new motorcycle. I have not named all my cars but I do remember the first car that I had was a hideous green color and I called it "Booger Green". Fun times.

I gave Xerxes Paramonos a rest yesterday. I did get some exercise in by doing some strength training for 30 mins. I concentrated on my arms and it felt great. I had not done any strength work in a week. I have no clue how I let that happen but I have to do better this week. I can see real changes when I use the weights.

I am about to get off from work now, so I am going to go and try to catch a few more zzz's. Have a wonderful Friday. I have a busy weekend. Saturday is my nephew Jacob's birthday party, he just turned 3. My grandmother will be in town and I am excited to see her. She has not seen me since the end of March and I know that I have changed since then. We also have Dakota this weekend and Jeremiah has to take a motorcycle safety class both Sat & Sun from 7:30am - 5pm so I will have Dakota during that time. We also have our weekly grocery shopping and I really need to get my hair trimmed so I guess we will see if that can be worked in somehow. Ta, ta, for now!

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

MLHAS Weigh in: Week 6

2010-06-16T22:35:00.003-05:00

I really did mean to be on her more this past week but it seems like time just slipped by so fast. I did not have that great of a week. Last Friday my sister was in town and took us out to eat and then she took my younger sister and me to our favorite bar and we had some drinks (and a I had a few, quite a few, bites of spinach&artichoke dip and sweet potato fries). Then on Saturday my husband and I went out to Johnny Carino's where I had the angel hair pasta and artichokes, along with 2 glasses of raspberry italian sodas (no cream though). The rest of the week I ate right around 1500 calories a day and my workouts were not as intense.

Despite all that I did lose 2 lbs. going from 214 down to 212. I am very happy with that. Losing 2 lbs. a week is very healthy and has been my goal all along. If I can do everything I did last week and still lose 2 lbs. then I know that I can do this for the rest of my life. I had weighed the other day and was down 3 lbs. so I was hoping for a 3-4 lb. loss this week. But do not get me wrong, I am over the moon happy with this weeks scale.

I exercised for 285 minutes. That is way shy of my goal to exercise for 420 minutes. I am still going to work towards that but working out 60 mins. a day every single day is just a lot for me. I think I can realistically do 30 mins. a day and maybe even 45 mins. I need to put in more effort and focus on my endurance.

So this week I am going to work on just that. When I do work out I am going to push myself and really aim for a good hard workout each and every time. I am going to stay on plan this week but I am going to allow myself to eat more in the 1200 - 1500 calorie range. I was able to do that last week and still lose 2 lbs. so I think if I do that again but work out even harder then I will see a could loss next week. I am trying to mix things up to keep my body guessing and my metabolism moving along. My other goal is to keep on drinking more water. I only drink water or water mixed with crystal light but some days I still do not drink enough.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week as well.

Rock it, live it, own it! (This week I printed this out and taped it on my wall where I can see it while I am on the elliptical, so motivating!)

Lisa

Beautiful Blogger Award!

2010-06-16T08:13:00.003-05:00

Way back at the end of May my very dear friend Aylilith at Making My Way To a Better Me, honored me with this blog award.

I am so thrilled because it is my first blog award that anyone has chosen to give to me. I am just sorry it took me so long to get this posted. This award came with two rules. First you have to pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. I had to really think about this because I follow so many blogs and really do love them all. But I came up with a list. Here are the 7 bloggers that I am awarding. They are listed in no particular order.

1. Kelli at My Journey to a New Life.

2. Patrick at Responsibility 199.

3. Erin at Yes Yes Ya'll , & Ya Don't Stop.

4. Kelly at Kelly is Losing Weight - A Future Thin Girl.

5. Emilia at [238] And Shrinking.

6. Lyn at Escape from Obesity.

7. Tricia at Fight Fat Phobia.

Now if any of these wonderful bloggers already received the award, well all I can say is that you deserve another one so here it is!

Ok, so now onto rule #2. You have to list 7 things about yourself that others did not know. Here we go.

1. I am a huge True Blood fan. I read all of the Sookie Stackhouse books and now I am hooked on the show. Actually, I am now a very big vampire fiction fan in general and I am currently reading the Anita Blake series.

2. My husband and I ran off to Las Vegas to get married. Our anniversary is July 4 so that not only can we always see fireworks on our anniversary but also so my husband can never use the excuse that he forgot our anniversary!

3. My dream is to one day live in NYC.

4. My husband and I have struggled for the past 6 years for me to get pregnant. That is one of the reasons that I wanted to lose weight and get healthy.

5. I lost my best friend to a drug addiction. She has not died but she did choose drugs over everything else. In fact I found out that in the past couple of months she has gone to prison over a drug conviction. It is sad to see a life throw away in that manner.

6. I was an honor student all throughout my school years but then in high school I dropped out and got my GED when I turned 17. I have gone on to college but I am still working towards my bachelor's degree.

7. Not sure if I have mentioned all of this or not but I have fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, depression, and insomnia. I am hoping that all of my medical problems improve with my continued weight loss.

Wow, that was really hard to come up with. You usually can not get me to shut up but when forced to list something I draw a blank.

Thanks again Aylilth! You are the best and have impeccable taste in blogs. :)

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

LHAS Weigh In: Week 5 (Holy cow!)

2010-06-09T20:54:00.005-05:00

All I can say is WOW! I am just about speechless. I now see what is possible if I stick to the plan and exercise every single day. I did not necessarily exercise for an entire 60 mins. all 7 days but I did do at least 15 mins. I exercised for a total of 380 mins. Here is the #'s by day.

6-2 Wed. Elliptical for 50mins.

6-3 Thurs. Elliptical 50mins. and Strength training 20mins.

6-4 Friday Elliptical 55mins.

6-5 Sat. 30-day shred video 15mins. (Was in a hurry and had work so I had to cut it early)

6-6 Sun. Elliptical 60mins. and Strength training 20mins.

6-7 Mon. Elliptical 85mins. (I did one session at 65mins. and then later did 20mins.)

6-8 Tues. Elliptical 20mins.

It has been so freakin' hot and humid here in North Texas that I have not wanted to go outside and walk/run. I told myself that I would get up early and do it but find that a little hard. :)

So what did the scale show for my work. Are you ready? I lost 8 lbs. Woot! Woot! I am so proud of myself. I knew this was going to be a killer week when I weighed last, can't remember if it was Fri or Sat and I had already lost like 3-4 lbs. I have been so serious and not let myself deviate one single bit. My willpower was right on and honestly I was on fire this week. I am now at 214 so I have lost a total of 18 lbs. Sheesh that is just unreal to me, but I knew it could be done because I have done it before. This time I am not EVER putting the weight back on.

This is my face in shock. I just could not believe what I was seeing.

Darn scale is still off 2 lbs. so I am really at 214. Wish they would hurry and fix it.

Here is the scale showing the 2 lb. difference, yet again.

Now I have to keep it up for next week. My goals for next week are simple. I want to stick to my calories again, but next week I am aiming for 420 mins. of exercise. That is an average of 60mins. each day for the entire week. I know that I can do that. I just have to push it hard again.

I also had my hubby take a few updated pics of me. I can see a difference and can not wait to see how I look under 200!! The shorts that I am wearing in the picture I just got this week and they are a size XL 16-18 but I had to take them in by tying up the draw string quite a bit so I may need to go try on the size L 13-14. That is just insane! It is so cool to be shopping on the other side of the store. I bought some really cute dresses at Old Navy that I need to take pics of. I have not been able to shop in the women's section there ever. I have always had to get men's T-shirts in the past. Now I get to be girly like I am meant to be!! All of these were taken tonight, in fact just a few minutes ago.

I hope everyone else had an amazing week. I am going to go jump on the elliptical and then I am going to try and catch up with everyone's blogs. I am sorry that I have been so absent and I promise not to be so mia in the future. My netbook died on me so it has been tough to get online a lot lately.

I want to apologize to my wonderful and very awesome team who I have not been there for. You guys rock and really do inspire me to keep going. I also owe an entire post to Aylilth because she has bestowed me with a blog award!! I am so freakin' excited about this. It is the first award that someone has actually chosen to give me!!!! I have some conditions to meet if I want to accept the award and will fulfill them when I devote a post to the award. Promise that it will be my next post.

Until then,

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

Back on track

2010-06-04T23:47:00.002-05:00

So far so good for this week. I think that I am going to have an astounding weigh in next Wednesday. At least I am hoping so. I have been on the elliptical every day for at least 45 mins. Today I stayed on for 55 mins. When on the elliptical I have been doing intervals where I go at resistance 2 for 4 mins. and then down to resistance 1 for 2 mins. It is killer but I can see the results.

In fact just today I was told by someone that they can really see how my running is paying off because my legs are skinny! What get out of here, skinny used in a sentence about me. That is just insane to me. But I do have to admit that my legs are looking darn good. But then again I have always had nice legs. That was always my favorite body part. Back in highschool I got hit by a car on the school parking lot and was thrown about 15 feet and then had my leg stuck in the car's bumper. I have had 8 surgeries on my left leg. When that happened I thought it was some cruel joke by God to damage the one part of me that I liked. I have sense come to terms with it and don't really even think about my leg or notice it too much. I have a horrible scar and lost quite a bit of muscle so my left calf has a chunk missing out of it. I also have a metal rod in that leg and one day I do plan to have it removed and get some more plastic surgery done. I was supposed to have more surgeries but the insurance company ended up denying it.

On weigh in day did I mention that I found that my home scale is off by 8lbs.? I thought it was off just 5 lbs. but nope it is off by a whooping 8! I was not going to weigh everyday but just find it so hard not to jump on the scale. So far by my home scale I am down 4lbs. today. Guess we will see come next Wed.

I have been very good with my eating and I am back into the right mental state. Nothing is going to make me waver. I just love the results so much more than I love the food. It just is not worth it to me.

I know readers have expressed concern once again about my 1000 calorie diet. You do not have to worry because the Doctor is still monitoring me. I would not ever advise anyone to go so low calorie wise without being under a Doctor's care. The way my Dr explained it to me is if you eat the right foods and get your nutrients you will be fine, especially since I am already carrying around so much extra fuel already. I also take supplements and vitamins. I get extensive lab work done to check everything.

Like I have mentioned before I have hypothyroidism and that has always made it extremely difficult for me to lose weight. If I kept my calories at 800 a day and did no exercise at all then I would lose approximately 2 lbs. a week. Instead I have increased my diet to 1000 and I do exercise almost every single day. This works for me.

Also I just wanted to let everyone know my philosophy on diets vs. healthy lifestyle. I truly believe that the word *diet* has received a bad rap. To me diet means what I eat. It does not mean some quick, get thin with no work, type of fix. It is instead a way of life to me. I just do not like the terminology of healthy lifestyle all that much. I have used that term myself because really it is just that "in" but to me it is just too politically correct and a fad term. But who am I to judge? I do want to be healthy for the rest of my life so I know that the term is accurate.

I also believe that when we go through weight loss we are going through many stages. What I do now to lose weight is not what I am going to do to maintain. And as I lose and hit plateaus then I will have to change things up then too. When someone asks me if I can manage at 800-1000 calories a day for the rest of my life well my answer is probably since I am really not hungry but I am not going to want to lose weight forever. Once I get closer to where I want to be I will have to adjust both my calories and my exercise to see what works for me.

All of us are different and I do not believe that what works for me will be what works for you. That is one of the biggest problem with the "diet" industry. They try to create and sale plans and claim they will work for anyone. That is not always the case. Weight loss is very individualized and there are so many factors that weigh in (no pun intended).

I do know that I am loving my new lifestyle and I feel terrific. I really like learning more and more about nutrition and fitness and I am considering switching my major from psychology to nutrition. At one point I was planning to be a nurse but a lot of things went in to changing my mind on that one. But I do still love science, anatomy, math and everything health related, so I think it would be a good fit.

Well goodnight everyone!

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

LHAS Weigh IN: Week 4

2010-06-03T07:41:00.003-05:00

I have gone back to my original scale. It was just too much using my new one during a challenge and it seems to be off by around +5 lbs. or more. I am going to get a new digital one that is not some cheap piece of junk. But for now I am going to weigh using the old scale. The only problem is now it is 2 lbs. off instead of just 1. Ughhh, these darn scales are tormenting me! I also confirmed that I really do not like having a scale in the house right now at all. Like I said I am going to get a digital one, eventually, one day, maybe. I just do not like the temptation to get on the darn thing every time I go into the bathroom. I am already fighting temptations with food so I sure do not need another fight with my willpower.

So what happened this week with the scale you ask. Well I ended up weighing in at 222 lbs. So, I did still gain weight last week but this week I am down 3 lbs. I worked out for a total of 250 mins. I have learned quite a bit from all of this. For one I really never thought that I was an emotional eater but now I think maybe I am. I found that when I was sick and not feeling good I ate very poor food. I am thinking that I ate some bad food to try and make myself feel better. That and at the time I just didn't care about much at all. Not a good combination at all. I ended up eating KFC fried chicken (a leg and a wing) along with some potatoes (no gravy) and some of their mac-n-cheese. Then another night I had takeout Chinese food that included 2 eggrolls, fried rice with chicken and shrimp, and some broccoli and beef. Then there was Saturday night when I ate buffalo wings, and lots of chips and dip. All of that, no exercise, and stupidly running out of my Synthroid caused the gain.

I was also eating more "regular" food (what everyone else was eating for dinner, which is not always very healthy) during the past few days. I have not been sick these days and have gotten my exercise in and did lose some weight but I still think that I need a strict diet for now. I am just not to the point where I can eat even somewhat like a regular diet yet. As one of my favorite bloggers Lyn was talking about the other day, I am in the stage where I am losing weight not in the stage where I will be when I am maintaining. I have had many people comment about my low 800-1000 calorie diet but I am finding that my body needs that calorie range to lose weight. Maybe it is partly due to my hypothyroidism but I just can not eat that many calories, period. I think that the week I was sick I really gained more like 8 pounds and not just 5. I am not exactly sure since I was using the *new* scale and not the usual one. I think that is a pretty big gain for one week. Yes I ate some unhealthy choices but the day I ate the KFC I still ate under 1200 calories and the other days besides the Chinese day and Saturday were all right around 1100-1200. Overall I was not totally off the wagon and only missed 3 days of workouts, however I did only workout for around 30 mins. the other days that week.

I am not trying to make excuses. I am trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to make sure it does not happen again. I know that I have been allowing myself too many small *cheats* as well. Two nights I indulged in a flavored coffee from the machine at the gas station and then yesterday I had a cookie when I was at my mom's. I was still right at or just over 1200 calories but all the cheats do add up, very quickly.

That brings me to my goals for this week.

1. To stick to a diet of no more than 1000 calories.

2. To eat my Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice meals. (I get the new ones that are not processed)

3. To continue focusing on getting more fiber in my diet.

4. Consume less sodium.

5. Eat more protein.

6. Workout on the elliptical for 45 min. sessions. (And increase the resistance this week)

7. Alternate strength training daily from arms to legs/abs. (Minimum of 15 mins. daily)

8. After workouts drink whey protein and frozen fruit shake

9. Do not drink any chocolate soy milk (I can't afford the 140 calories in a drink, plus too much soy is not good when you have hypothyroidsim)

10. And work in some running again this week.

Here are the pictures of my weigh in. Sorry they are pretty blurry, at least the one of me is, but I just could not get a clear picture for some reason and I did try several times. This was the best so you can just imagine the others.

I can really see the weight in my face in this picture. I am ready to lose the chins.

So with the 2 lbs. that the scale is off my weight is at 222 lbs.

Why is all the scales around me are inaccurate?

I am going to end on a positive note. My brother-in-law and his new wife and her kids were in town on Memorial Day and they did notice how much I have lost. I have not seen them since right around Christmas. My brother-in-law told me that I sure have been shrinking and that I had better not lose too much or I will disappear. This coming from a guy who is I don't know 5"11 maybe and weighs probably 130 if even that much. I told him that I have a very long weigh to go that I want to lose around another 80 lbs. and he was astonished. He said there is no way that I could need to lose that much. I told him yes I do if I want to be in the healthy weight range for my height. Nobody can ever believe how much I weigh.

In fact my mother and I were just talking last night and I was talking about a friend who is wearing a size 24 and that I can not believe I looked like that. I mean I knew that I was big and still am but sometimes I just do not really see it (until I see a picture and even then in some outfits I still don't see it). We then were talking about how everyone's body is different and that she said even when I was my heaviest at 276 I still did not look that big. I guess everyone carries their weight differently. A couple of times on The Biggest Loser I have not believed the size that some of the contestants claimed they were wearing when I knew what their weight was. I have since learned that it was possible. Another friend who is over 300 wears a size 24. That is just crazy to me because at 276 I was in a 26/28 and my clothes were quickly getting too tight. I know that your height has a lot to do with it. Back when I got down to a size 12 I was weighing probably at least 25 pounds more than my mom and she was also in a 12 but was an inch shorter than me.

See how quickly I get onto another subject and just one little story turns into enough material for an entirely new post. What I was really trying to get at earlier with the story about my BIL was that it is very nice to get compliments and to see that others are noticing the changes in me. I know I wanted to end this on a positive note but I just have to vent one frustration with some of the comments I hear. I keep getting told not to lose too much and that boy I am going to disappear or blow away. What the heck is with that? I am still over 220 lbs. and I am obese. Can people not grasp that concept? I am sure they are well meaning and all but it does get on my nerves, especially since I hear it ALOT.

I am still going to end this on a positive note. I was looking at myself in the mirror and one of the places that was just gross to me is finally starting to look firmer. You know on the inside of your thighs, right up at the top of your leg? Well that area has been one of the most despised areas, besides my upper arms and back. It just looks disgusting to me in a kind of perverted way. I can't really explain it exactly, gross is truly the only word. Well, it is getting much much better. The flabbiness has gone way down and I can see my upper thighs in general getting tighter. It really is cool to see how your body changes shape as you get healthy and fit. That is a change that I can live with.

Wait. Come back. As I was loading the pictures I remembered one other point that I forgot to mention as to why I think I had the gain. I have not been reading everyone's blogs and I have not been blogging. I really do think that is one of the keys to my success. I get very motivated by all of you and writing helps me to get a better perspective on my own life. So keep blogging and let's all keep fighting the good fight!

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

I am alive!

2010-06-01T07:26:00.002-05:00

Hello all my blogger-licious friends! Sorry for my long absense but I was pretty sick. I felt horrible all last week and still have yet to get over the stuffy head and sore throat all together, but I am better. :)

The last 3 days I have been back to at least exercising. In fact both Sunday and Monday I managed to last on the elliptical 45 mins. I was very excited about that and can feel it in my legs. I have also gone from 3lb. weights up to 5 lbs. so I know that I am making progress.

I really do hate the new scale. It still shows my weight flucuating between 225 - 230 lbs. I think I am going to go weigh on my "usual" scale and see what it tells me. I really do hate changing scales, and especially in the middle of a challenge. Even if I have to trek across town to go weigh I will do it for more accuracy.

I will try and update more later. I do still have the 5K pictures to post. And I have to admit I had a total splurge on Saturday night. We got the UFC fight on pay-per-view and had some friends over. I almost never ever drink but I did that night. I ended up having 4 Smirnoff Cranberry & Lime drinks (kind of like wine coolers, and boy were they yummy), and I had 2 and half shots of Tequila Rose, and a shot of Johnnie Walker whiskey! I can not believe that I did not have a hangover or get an upset stomach. My tummy usually can not handle any alcohol and is one reason I quit drinking. I also ate buffalo chicken wings, some 5-layer bean dip, hummus, and baked lays chips, oh and a little Blue cheese dressing for the wings. I got stuffed but didn't munch at all after I ate. I figured I had not splurged hardly at all and that I was going to have one night. I know I drank probably at least 2 days worth of calories but man did I have a good time!

That night is what prompted me to go the 45 mins. on the elliptical Sunday. Then on Monday since I knew that I could do it, I did it again. I plan to make that my normal time from now on, until I up it to an hour.

Ok, I am really going now. Like I said will update more later.

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

5K Challenge

2010-05-23T20:15:00.002-05:00

Just a quick note to let you all know I did complete the 5K challenge this morning. Jeremiah and Dakota ended up sleeping in, so I had to go at it alone. However, I knew that I was not technically alone because there were many of you out there completing your 5K as well.

I am exhausted right now and headed to bed already, yes this early! I did take some pics and will post them tomorrow. It was so hot and humid and I thought that it might start raining at any moment but it did not. Before I had even finished a 1/4 mile I was completely covered in sweat, it was that humid! Normally I am good until around 3/4 mile or there about.

I was not very happy with my time. I finished a little over 54 minutes. I will post the exact tomorrow. I took a picture of my stopwatch so I will have to see what it said for the exact time. I know I averaged something like 16.88 min. per mile. I know that I am capable of at least averaging 15 min. a mile. Yes, I walked and did not run. Tomorrow is my run day and I am planning to be up very early so I can run when it is cooler. I was walking today at 9am and it was already getting too hot.

I am so sore again tonight. Yesterday was even worse than today. My run on Friday really got to me. I have got to continue to work on my core muscles because my lower back is hurting the most. This afternoon I worked on my abs and legs with non-weighted strength exercises and that did help my back feel a little better. I just took a muscle relaxer so I am hoping that helps even more!

See how I can never shut up. This was supposed to be a very quick post just letting you know I finished and will cover the 5K in detail tomorrow. I will end on that note.

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

Running and yakking about nothing much

2010-05-22T04:54:00.003-05:00

Good Morning my bloggy-licious friends! I am very happy to report that I finally got back to running on Friday morning. I have not ran since the Friday before I had the kidney stone which was 3 weeks ago! Yikes! I thought it had been 2 weeks but I just now realized that it has been 3, wow!

I was worried because I figured I would be so out of the groove that I would be starting back from the very basic. As you may remember, I didn't start the C25K at the 1 min. of running like the program does. I just could not do that yet. Instead I started out with 30 sec. and then W2 I went for 45 seconds. I was hoping I could at least do 45 seconds but had a feeling I would be back down to 30 seconds and I was going to be ok with that. At least I was back out there running again.

Guess what? I was able to run for the full 1 min. just like the C25K starts you with. I honestly could not believe it. I guess my workouts on the elliptical are paying off. Those workouts are not technically running but are very challenging and are getting my butt in shape! Just maybe I will still be able to run the 5K in August.

I had planned on still doing the 5K but thought that I might have to walk the majority of it. More than likely I will still have to do intervals of running/walking to get it completed but I will do MORE running than walking! The only thing I am really worried about is the heat. It is going to be so freakin' hot then. I live in North Texas and yesterday morning I ran at 9am and just about died from the heat and humidity alone.

Before when I did the intervals I ran for a mile and a half. That is how far the trail is at the park. Yesterday I ran for the full mile but I walked the last half a mile. I was a little disappointed in myself because I didn't run as long as usual, but I couldn't be too upset since I was at least running for the full 1 minute at a time.

I was just so hot. My face was beet red and my pulse was going crazy. I checked my heart rate and it was at 220 bpm. Now, normally I do have a high heart rate when I exercise. Generally on the elliptical at home it gets up to 208-212. I just had to slow down and take it easy for the rest of the trail. In hindsight I am glad that I did. I know that I need to listen to my body and not push too hard. I was out there by myself and there was hardly a soul out walking or running at the time so I would have hated for something to happen to me. At one point I thought I was going to pass out. I downed all my water and made it back to my air conditioned car. After that I felt really good again.

I then went to my parent's house and stayed until mid-afternoon. My sister and my 2 nephews live there also, so I visited with the boys. Jacob, he will be 3 years old next month, was hoot. I got to the house and he asked me where in the world I had just been. I told him I had been running and he said "With me?". You see I have taken him with me running before and he know loves it! He even got some new running shoes and has a little tank top and running shorts. I told him no that I went by myself this time. He said "No Sissy, I went with you!" Ok, ok kid whatever you say! It was like he was saying, this is the story and you had better go with it! He is just so funny sometimes, no make that all the time.

Matthew just turned a year old in March and is just is funny as his brother. I do not have any kids of my own and these two are MY babies! My sister just got them a new puppy. His name is Scamp and is a little cocker spaniel. He is just too darn cute. But Matthew is afraid of him because Scamp is play biting right now. And on top of that, Scamp just loves Matthew to death and is constantly trying to give him kisses. At one point I did get Matthew laughing at the puppy and got him to pet him some. It will just take some time for him to adjust. Matthew has no problem at all with my little maltese dog so I know it is just a matter of time.

Last night Jeremiah and I went to go pick up my step-son Dakota. We had a pretty low key night. It was my father-in-laws birthday so we had to go stop and get him a small gift and card. He loves to play foosball, even has a foosball table set up in the living room. Well we knew he was really wanting some new foosballs. They tried buying some not long ago but they ended up being too small. My MIL was going to look at buying some online. We stopped off at Academy but they did not have any.

Now Academy did have a treadmill, a weight bench, an exercise bike, pedometer, the Firm workout collection on DVD w/accessories, plus a ton of other things I would love to have. But no foosballs to be found. We were racking our brains of other stores to check. We would have gone to Second Hand Sports, a used equipment store that always has everything, but they were already closed. We had to settle for trying Sears. We lucked out and they had some tournament foosballs. My FIL loved them and immediately had to go test them out. They worked perfect and this time were big enough for the table.

After that Jeremiah, Dakota, and Uncle Brett went to the kitchen table to have a marathon of Magic the Gathering. I played once but sucked and do not care to ever play again. What is Magic you ask? It some kind of card game. Kind of like Dungeons and Dragons, I am guessing. Or more like the card games that got popular here lately, Pokemon, Yugioh, and stuff like that. I now it is not exactly like that, but for my description they are similar.

They play that game every weekend that Dakota comes. At least they have for the past 3 visits or so. New cards have been purchased, Uncle Brett has his friend come up from Dallas to play, and last visit they had some other guy come join in too. It suits me just fine. I get some time to myself and do not have to entertain anyone.

I watched an episode of Dateline about a cheating couple. This woman had an affair with her husband's best friend (who was also married) and the guy ends up killing her husband. She claims that she did not know that was what he was going to do. To top it off her husband was a deacon or something in the church and planning to become a pastor. The guy she had the affair with was the youth pastor. It was all messed up and crazy.

While I watched the show I did my strength training. I am really feeling it in my arms and abs this morning. It feels so good. I just love being able to tell I got a good workout in. I am not too sore, just can feel that the muscles are working.

Sunday is the 5K that Tony has challenged. Both Jeremiah and Dakota are planning to do it with me. We are not participating in any official 5K. We are just doing this one on our own. I plan to mainly walk this one. It will still be fun and a treat to get Jeremiah and Dakota out there as well.

Have a great Saturday.

Rock it, live it, own it!

Lisa

The problem with terminology and models?!

2010-05-20T17:26:00.007-05:00

The other day I mentioned how I was going to post about something that really gets me all riled up. I think it is about time for me to let this all out. What ticks me off? It is simply the term "plus-size model". I absolutely HATE that term. I think these women should just be called models. There does not need to be a distinction and until then, there will not be many changes in the fashion industry.

The same thing pretty much goes for the entire "plus-size" section of clothes. I have never understood why a designer can not just make their line include bigger sizes. Why do you need separate clothes in the first place? There have been some clothing lines that do carry larger sizes with no problem. Therefore I do not see why others can not do the same thing. For example back when there was still a Steve & Barry's I would shop there every now and then. I bought a very cute pair of Bitten jeans (a line by Sarah Jessica Parker) that were in a size 22. They were the exact same jeans as the ones that she had in a size 6. They did not even cost any extra for a bigger size! What a novelty. Producing and selling clothes in a very wide range of sizes all for the same cost? And they were in the same section of the store, on the same shelves? But how could all those thin people stand shopping next to the all the fatas$es! (Sorry I may have gotten a little carried away with my sarcasm there)

The following pictures are of models that the industry refers to as "plus-size". To me they are just beautiful women. And in my eyes, they look more normal than most models that I see.

But maybe, just maybe could the norm that we have come to expect in modeling be changing? Several years ago Spain adopted the rule that models there must have a minimum BMI of 18.5. And now other countries are looking to join this trend and there is even talk of passing legislation that prohibits models with a BMI lower than 18.5. Currently the average model has a BMI of 16. But then again, maybe we should not get our hopes up too much. It appears that the organizers of the London Fashion week have dismissed such a rule there.

Hopefully in the end something will be done. Last year during the Miss Universe Pageant in Australia, Stephanie Naumoska competed and she was at a BMI of only 15.1. She walked by the judges with her bones clearly protruding and she looked very malnourished. She claimed that she would eat and blamed her heritage on her thin, frail body. She is Macedonian and the pageant officials also sited that as the reason for her thin body. The Australian Medical Association urged the pageant officials to impose a minimum BMI of 20. The organizers refused citing not enough emphasis was placed on heritage. I am sorry but she apparently had some kind of eating disorder. There is no way that this is just normal genetics. And if it is just from genetics that does not mean her health still did not need to be addressed.

As I was reading some of the articles out there regarding this subject I did come across something that excited me. Top fashion photographer, Terry Richardson, took images of the model Crystal Renn posing side-by-side with her skinny rival Jacquelyn Jablonski. The pictures are part of a campaign to get both magazines and designers to start using models whose size, shape, and look are varied. The images were to appear in V Magazine this spring.

I personally think that Crystal looks much healthier. I do not want to sit here and dog on skinny people because I believe that we all are created equal and are beautiful in our own ways. If one is naturally thin then by all means celebrate your thinness and embrace your body for what it is. But when one goes to lengths to get thinner and thinner just because they are told that they are not skinny enough to model, then I have a problem. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. Here are some of the pictures from the shoot. What are your thoughts?

As I wrap up this post I want to leave you with another glimmer of hope. This article discusses how teen girls are influenced by their peers when it comes to weight. And surprisingly, not by the magazines and advertisements that we are all bombarded with daily. In some schools were the norm tend to be of a higher weight, the teens do not feel as much pressure to diet. Now I say this is a glimmer of hope because just maybe the teens out there are not so brainwashed from the years of ads, as we thought. However, the article still shows that teens feel peer pressure and if weight is a big concern at their school then they do feel the need to conform and go on diets.

I know after reading many articles out there on the subject of weight, and looking at images, I have come to a realization. Now this is just my personal opinion, but I do like some curves. I do not want to be stick thin. I do want to be healthy and I do want to be very fit and toned. I do not by any means want to look like a walking corpse. I am also very thankful that I never wanted to be a model.

LHAS Weigh In: Week 2

2010-05-20T01:09:00.004-05:00

Sorry it has taken me forever today to get a post on here. I just got home from my parent's house. My mother and I are trying to plan a family vacation for this summer.

But I did go and weigh today for week #2 LHAS Challenge. I had to take my own picture so it is not that great of a shot. Jeremiah ended up having to work so he was not able to be there like normal. I am down this week 5 lbs. Yippee!!! I was really concerned about this week since I have increased my calories but looks like whatever I am doing is definitely working. Last week I was at 225 and now this week 220. I didn't hit 219 like I would have loved but I am in no way complaining.

Again the scale was off by a pound. One of the ladies that works at the store, like I said the scale is out in front of a furniture store, told me that it gets off every now and then and that they will have to have a guy come out to reset the balance. But she was not sure when that will happen because right now she said times have been tough and they can't really afford to get anyone to come out right now. I guess it doesn't really matter all that much. It just bugs me because then the picture I take shows one pound more than I really am. Yes I am that anal.

I struggled getting my exercise time in but I not only met my goal, I ended up surpassing it a little. I worked out for a total of 334 minutes. Last week I worked out for 421 minutes so more the exercise, the more I lose.

Hope everyone has a productive week and keep up the good work!

Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever.

The Survey

2010-05-19T06:52:00.005-05:00

This survey has been popping up on many of the blogs and since I have to be cool and part of the "in-crowd" I figured that I would give it a go …

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Open

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Only if it is a really nice hotel and they are shampoos that I like.

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Do not sleep with any cover sheet at all. We have a flat sheet on the bed and then hubby and I both have our own comforter. That way nobody steals the covers from the other one.

4. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
Probably bees since I am not allergic.

5. Do you have freckles?
Some, had more when I was younger it seemed or at least you could see them more.

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
I hate stupid people. Unfortunately this can encompass a lot of situations since there are idiots everywhere.

7. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Yes. We used to go out in the woods as teenagers to parties and drinking would definitely equal having to pee!

8. Do you ever dance if there’s no music playing?
Yes. I love to dance and can easily hear a beat in my own head!

9. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Not really anymore. I used to when I was in bored in class but now that most of my classes are online I do not do this anymore.

10. Is it ok for guys to wear pink?
Of course. Haven't you heard? Pink is the new black.

11. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
At Chick-fil-a I like the honey mustard and the polynesian sauce. That is really the only time I eat nuggets anymore.

12. What is your favorite food?
Any Chinese food. Oh, and fettucini alfredo.

13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Serendipity, Kung-Fu Hustle, Pretty Woman, St. Elmo's Fire, Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, Memoirs of a Geisha …

14. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Yes and my mom was my Brownie troop leader. I was also later in Bluebirds.

15. Can you change the oil on a car?
I have not ever done it before but I bet that I could if I had to. I CAN take the car to get an oil change though!

16. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Yes, but the last one was when I was 18, so 14 years ago. Now I have gotten stopped many times since but always get out of the ticket. But I do not speed anymore at all.

17. Ever ran out of gas?
Yes, one time in Dallas and I swore I would never do it again.

18. Are you lazy?
Extremely.

19. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
I remember being a clown, a vampire, a hobo, and a princess.

20. How many languages can you speak?
One. I did take 2 years of Latin but do not remember hardly a darn thing.

21. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
Conan, no contest.

22. Do you sing in the car?
Yes, all the time.

23. Ever eat a pierogi?
Yes they are one of my favs too, very yummy!

24. First concert?
Michael Jackson on his BAD tour. I was in the 4th grade and my parents took my sister and me.

25. Where would you be able to spend hours and be happy?
In my husband's arms.

26. What’s your favorite kind of doughnut?
Glazed if it is a Krispy Kreme or similar kind. Otherwise I like the little powdered doughnuts.

27. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
I currently have 6 tattoos and just my normal ear piercings. I used to have my nose, eyebrow, and tongue pierced but took them all out 7-8 years ago.

28. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
My grandmother

29. Are you still friends with the people you knew in middle school or high school?
I am friends with a lot on Facebook. I have kept in touch pretty regularly with just a handful over the years.

30. What is the last thing you ate?
Bowl of Fiber One raisin crunch cereal.

31. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A doctor

32. Name three things that are close to you:
My cell phone, a glass of water, my Kindle.

33. What was your best subject in school?
I realize it is bragging but I was good in all of them. My favorite has always been literature.

34. What is your favourite restaurant?
P.F. Chang's

35. Any hidden talents?
I am very good at research. Any fact you want to know just ask me and I will find it for you. I am also very artsy and creative. I have also discovered I am pretty darn good at exercise.

36. What is your favourite girl’s name?
I have a couple of favs but #1 is Lilly. I also like Emily, Olivia, and Clara.

37. Would you rather be a rock star or a famous athlete?
I guess a rock star but I am starting to get to like athletics too. But honestly I would not want to be famous. I would hate having to live under a microscope all the time and be hounded by the press.

38. What are you wearing right now?
Pajama short set in pink

39. Did you graduate from college?
Not yet but working on it.

40. Do you have any nicknames?
My husband calls me baby, and other terms of endearment. Other than that not really.

41. How do YOU de-stress?
I have my husband massage my feet and back. I also like to read.

42. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without food?
I know of at least 2 days but maybe a little longer when I have been really sick.

Increasing calories (you read that right) and free workout videos

2010-05-18T07:08:00.003-05:00

Is it really weird that I am so excited again for the weigh in tomorrow? I just can not wait to see how this week has gone according to the scale. I have definitely struggled to get all my workouts in but I am only 26 mins. away from hitting my goal, so 30mins on the elliptical today will ensure that I my goal is met.

I have also been doing quite a bit of research on how many calories I should be eating. As I had talked about before I was eating right around 800 calories a day. I am on medication and under a doctor's supervision but since I have added so much exercise I had a feeling that I really needed to increase my calories. This week most days I ate right around 1000 calories. Some days I got closer to 1200 and other days I was still just a little over 800. I am really working towards to getting right around 1200 from now on. I do not want my body to be in starvation mode. I did read that when you have a lot of weight to lose, like over 50 pounds, you generally will not go into starvation mode for at least 3 months. But it has now going on 2.5 months since I have been on this new plan so I do not want that to occur. Instead I am slowly adding additional calories to my day. And they have been good calories, more fruit and veggies, and I have let myself eat more snacks through out the day.

That is one reason I am very curious as to how this week has gone. I am optimistic and do think I have lost but I seriously doubt it will be anything like last week. I will be happy with a 2-3 lb. loss. I should not be hitting a plateau yet and when that does happen, we all know that it will eventually, I will increase my exercise.

I am also in the process of breaking up my strength training into lower body and upper body workouts. I have got to let my muscles get a rest but I like to do my strength training every day (or at least 6 days a week). This is one of my favorite sites for free exercises. I also use some of the free videos at Sparkpeople . Another good site for free videos is here. As long as you have some good music and the internet there really is no reason to spend a ton of cash on workout videos. You can get what you need for nothing. This is a good start when you don't have much money and you can always slowly buy videos for a personal collection as your fitness level increase and/or you get bored.

Well that is all for this morning. I am working on a post about a topic that just irks me but you will have to wait on that one! No griping for this morning, lol. Keep up the hard work!

No pain, no gain!!

Free subscription to Organic Spa Magazine

2010-05-17T05:46:00.002-05:00

Just thought I would share this link for a free digital download of the Organic Spa magazine. One of the blogs that I follow Birdseed in my Bread, had this posted and I grabbed at the chance to score the free download.

I have not checked the magazine out yet but Birdseed in my Bread did and said there are some good articles at their website.

Get your free digital subscription here.

Short (well short for me anyway) Update

2010-05-15T23:50:00.003-05:00

I am popping in for only a moment. I am exhausted and both need and want to go to bed. I did not sleep well last night and then had to get up fairly early. I got up at 9am, early to me for a Sat, and ate a quick breakfast. I started watching some of Investigation Discovery, only one of my favorite channels, and got into an episode of I almost Got Away With it. Fifteen minutes go by and I realize that I am wasting time so I went and grabbed my weights and for the next 45 mins. while I watched the show, I did my strength training. After that I went and got on the elliptical for 19 mins. I was trying to round off my numbers for the challenge. Somehow I had an odd number at the end and I am so OCD that it was driving me crazy.

I ended up working out for a total of 64 minutes today, which brings my challenge total to 605 mins. Tonight I was so very glad that I did the workout this morning. We went to see my step-son Dakota today because it is his birthday. His mom made a cake (I had a very small piece) and then we all went to go see Iron Man 2. It was a really good movie. I did not see the first Iron Man so I really did not know what to expect. I liked it a lot and want to see the first one now. I couldn't believe how good of shape Robert Downey, Jr. was in and told my hubby that I think I now have a little crush on him, lol. After spending the afternoon with Dakota, Jeremiah and I headed to the mall. I went and tried on some clothes. I fit it into one pair of size 16W bermuda shorts!! I could not believe it. I also fit into a size 18 from the regular section and not the plus. In the end I did not buy any clothes. I just wasn't feeling anything and only want to buy something if I really truly love it because I know I won't be able to wear it for long. I think I am going to end up going to Goodwill to get my jeans until I get down to my goal, or at least once I am not losing weight as quickly.

I am really trying to get husband to jump on the health bandwagon with me. He has told me that he wants and has plans to workout more. However, today he said that he is happy with himself and does not think he needs to lose any weight. I told him that I too love him just the way that he is, but he does have high blood pressure (currently on meds for it), has high cholesterol (if I remember correctly), he smokes, is in constant pain, and several men his family have died at very young ages. I want him to lose weight for his health, not just so he will look better. I know that you can not force anyone to make a change that it truly has to come from within but I do hope that I can be a positive influence on him. Again tonight he told me that he is afraid I am going to lose all this weight and go find someone else. I have no such plans at all and told him that he does not need to worry. At times he has such great self-confidence and then other times he is just so negative. All I can do is continue to love and support him. In time I guess he will see that I am here no matter what. He has just heard too many horror stories about someone losing a significant amount of weight and then leaving their spouse. I know that does happen but I am not and never have been one that is preoccupied with nothing but looks.

Ok, I am about to fall asleep here while I am typing so I have got to go.

~No pain, No gain! err loss~

Ughhh!!!

2010-05-14T04:47:00.004-05:00

For my total exercise minutes yesterday I missed my goal. I only got on the elliptical for 30 mins. and did not do anything else. I was out late, over at my mom's, and then had to stop by the store and did not get home until 1am. Jeremiah was ready to go to bed but said if I wanted to hop on the elliptical that it would not bother him because he was so tired he knew he would just pass out (my elliptical is in our bedroom). Sure enough the rhythmic clanking that I was making must have lulled him right to sleep because it was not long and he was out.

I really did not want to finish the 30 mins. But again I pushed on and did it. Now normally I would do my strength workout after that but I just did not have it in me. So later today I am going to do a hour of strength and then the elliptical for 30 mins. to make up what I missed. Ughh, I have just been frustrated with my exercise the last 2 days. Hopefully this week gets better.

My schedule has just been so all over the place lately. I really want to get up earlier today. I work on-call staffing nurses so I am up strange hours. I work during the week from 4am to 7am. Then on the weekends I am either 4am to 4pm or 4pm to 4am, plus every other Friday night I work from 5:30pm to 4am. I work this Friday night and then the pm shift this weekend. I am also a major night owl so that does not help things either. I was really liking getting up early and exercising first thing in the mornings. Right now I have been exercising at night and I am as fond of that. However, exercise does wipe me out and I usually can fall right asleep afterwards. I know I am weird. They usually say you should not exercise before bed because it can wire you up but not me, it is like a sleeping pill for my body!

Oh, I almost forgot but I wanted to ask if any of you have tried the Skinny Cow ice cream treats? I got the cookies-n-cream ice cream sandwiches and they are delicious. They have 160 calories and 3g of fiber, no Trans fat, 97% Fat Free and they are HUGE (some of them are only 140 calories). I now have something to go to when I really want something sweet. They also have a chocolate truffle ice cream on a stick that is only 100 calories and ice cream drumsticks for 150 calories. Oh so yummy! I had been wanting to try these for a while and finally got around to buying some tonight. I loved it and did not ruin my calorie count for the day, yippee!

You can also go to the Skinny Cow website and play with the cowculator to see how the Skinny Cow products stack up to other treats. I am not affiliated with Skinny Cow and did not receive anything for this endorsement. I just love the products, plain and simple.

I am so honored

2010-05-13T17:58:00.003-05:00

Well guys and gals the results from the first week of My LHAS Challenge have been posted. And guess what? I made it into the Hall of Fame for losing the most weight this week. I am very excited and proud of myself for that 7 lb. loss. I like to say that it is easy losing weight this time around, but when I really sit and think about it, it is just as hard as always. The difference this time around is my mind. I get it now in a way that I never did before.

I just barely placed in the Hall of Fame because Chris had a 6.5 lb. loss and I am betting he takes it next week, especially with those P90X workouts that he is doing. I am in awe of him and how much he has accomplished and did I mention he is doing P90X!! Anyone doing that workout deserves an award in my book. Erin won for the most minutes exercised this week, 590 mins!!! She is a machine and is aiming for 720 minutes this week. Erin is really motivating me to increase my workouts every day. I am very competitive and love a good challenge.

You would think that since I am so competitive that I would have won a lot of stuff in my life right? You would be wrong if you thought so because like Erin mentions on her blog, I have never won anything either (except for academic achievements, again like Erin, this is getting kind of freaky being so much alike, hehe). I am just so honored to even be in this challenge and to get to meet so many people who are on a journey like mine. I never knew this kind of support before and it really does make a difference. Here is the badge that I won and you will see it proudly displayed here on my blog. I have been so jealous of the badges that I see everyone else have from winning challenges and/or blog awards. Now I get to join the club.

I can not wait to see what this next week brings. I have a feeling that many people are stepping up their game and that this week really will be a challenge. I am going to continue to push hard and again I just hope to meet my goal of a 2 lb. loss for the week. Now of course I would love, love, LOVE a 6 lb. loss so that I would be out of the 220's but I think 2 weeks of big losses in a row might be asking too much, but we will see. I am not changing anything this week, unless I end up adding some exercise so I am curious what my loss will be this time.

My husband told me yesterday when he went with me to weigh, "With that kind of weekly loss you really could be on The Biggest Loser!" He has tried to get me to apply for the show with him but I keep telling him there is no way that I could make it there. I still don't think that I could because those last chance workouts would kill me!! I am doing good to get my hour in. I think I would die if I had to workout for 6 hours a day, sheesh! Plus, I know that I can do this on my own. I am a huge fan of Jillian Michaels and would love to train with her someday but I want my weight loss to come from me. Do not get me wrong I know that on that show the contestants are the ones who do the work and it is still them that works their as@ off to get where they are. But they still praise the show, the trainers, etc. Wait a minute I just wrote that and thought but when I get down to my goal I will be praising all of the supporters that I have met here online, all my friends and family, and even my awesome Doctor who is another big supporter. I guess nobody really does it all alone and we all need help. So I take it back. I will go on TBL, oh wait a minute, I believe that the deadline for the next season has passed. And with my determination and sheer will, I think that by the time the next casting call goes out, I will have lost so much that I won't have enough weight to lose to be competitive on the show, at least that is the plan. Sorry, Jeremiah, but it looks like our TBL plans will have to change and we will have to settle for being at home losers. But that is just fine and dandy with me!

Goodness, when I went to post the comment that my husband made I did not intend to go off on a tangent about TBL. See, that is how I end up writing a short novel almost every time I post. I just can not shut up on here. I hope that I do not bore you too much and that you never get offended by off-color humor. On that note I will go.

Never give up! Don't give up!

2010-05-13T07:49:00.004-05:00

Last night I was really tired and just did not feel like exercising at all. I knew that I needed to and that if I am going to hit my goal again this week that I can not miss a night because it would be too hard to make up the minutes. So I decided to go ahead and get on the elliptical and do my 30 mins. I figured that I would skip the strength training part of my workout for just once and could make up 30 mins easier than missing an entire hour.

I got on the elliptical and man oh man was it tough. I was tired and by just 10 mins I was ready to quit. But I pushed on and on and on and made it for the entire 30 mins. I was really tired, pouring sweat, and my face was beet red. But I did feel better. I was so proud of myself for getting it done that I decided I would go ahead and finish up the workout with 30 mins of the strength training. I am glad that I did not give up. The old Lisa would have gotten off the elliptical at 10 mins. Wait that is a complete lie, the old Lisa would not have even done a workout at all.

I am very proud of myself and the weight that I have lost so far. But I am more proud of myself for keeping with the exercise. You just have no idea how much I have hated exercise my entire life. And I mean hate with a capital H. Sorry if I have been harping on exercise so much lately but I am just so shocked that I have kept with it now for the past 4 months. Back in January I did not want to say that losing weight or working out was my New Year's Resolution because I figured the odds of me doing it were slim to none. But in the back of my mind I was thinking that it was time. So, it was around the 2nd week or so of January that I started working out. I started very small but it was an effort none the less. I have been increasing what I do in small increments ever since. At some point during February I stopped working out for I think it was a week or maybe a week and a half. I do not remember why I stopped but I know in the past that would have been it for me. This time around I did not let it get me down, instead I did not wait for tomorrow, I got up and got right back on that horse, so to speak. I am so glad that I did.

I am proof of not letting a fall off the wagon keep you down. You have to let it go, get up and dust yourself off and move forward. If I had not started back in my exercise routine then I would be sitting here still at 254 lbs and the only change would have been that some months had flown by. It is true that the same months have flown by but 29 lbs have gone along with them!

So do not ever give up. You will stumble and you will fall and that is alright. It is part of life and it is part of the journey. Nobody is perfect and sometimes life does get in the way but you have to push it to the side for the sake of you.

I am going to leave you all for now with a picture of me post-workout from last night. Here I am in all my hot, sweaty, red-faced, glory!

P.S. After writing this post I have the Yo! Gabba Gabba! crew singing in my head "Never give up! Don't give up!". My nephews have warped me. :)

Fashion Meets Food - Wal-mart Giftcard Giveaway

2010-05-13T05:45:00.002-05:00

Pantene has some great new products out. Over at Fashion Meets Food you can enter to win a $25 Wal-mart gift card so that you can go and purchase some new hair products.

I love this blog and think that you will too!

LHAS Week 1- Weigh in

2010-05-12T17:41:00.003-05:00

All I can say is oh my gosh!!!! I just about had a heart attack when I say my weight for this week. My goal was to get out of the 230's and boy did I ever. I had a 7 pound weight loss!! I went from 232 down to 225. I am already half way done with the 220's. I am too excited for words!!!

This LHAS Challenge has been the absolute best thing for me. I am a competitive person by nature so challenges like this are right up my alley. This has been a real kick in the as@ for me and I love it! I think that increasing my exercise is what gave me such a good lost. Before I was working out for 30mins and was only do that for sure for 3 days, sometimes I would do all 5 days. This week I worked out for a total of 421 minutes. That plus being meticulous on my calorie count is what did it.

Now I only have 26 pounds to go to meet my LHAS goal, which is also my first really big goal for my total weight loss. I will then be in onderland at 199. I can not wait. I can see the scale now!

Now I will post the pictures to prove it. I have to tell you that the scale this time was 1 pound off. It was not half last week and I took a picture proving that it was off a pound. That is why the scale says 226 but it should really be 225 when you take into consideration the scale not being calibrated correctly.

Here is where you can see that the scale is off by one pound.

And here is where you can see my weight. It is really between 225 and 226 but with the scale being off one pound it would really be between 224 and 225, but I went with the whole number of 225.

And here is the picture of me on the scale. I wasn't sure if we had to post the pictures on the scale every week but I want to anyway so you can see for yourself what I see.

Now I just have to keep up the momentum and continue doing what I am doing because obviously it is working. I always knew that exercise was the key for me and this just proves it. Back in 1997 when I went from 247lbs down to 172lbs all I did was walk on the treadmill for 6 minutes after every meal. I added a small amount of weight training but never really got into exercise like I am this time. Just getting active is the key for me to continue losing and then to keep it off. I will always have to exercise no matter what and I now know that so hopefully maintenance will be more manageable this time around. I am thankful that I now get it. Sorry I keep harping on exercise this week but it really does have that big of an impact for me.

The longest post ever. All about my ex and bad dreams.

2010-05-12T06:20:00.003-05:00

I can not wait for this afternoon/evening because I get to see what progress I have made this past week. It is weigh in day for the first week of the LHAS Challenge . For me it seems like the week has just been dragging by at a snail's pace. I have stayed within my calorie range and I exceeded my exercise goals so I am hoping that the scale is friendly and reflects all of the hard work I have been doing. But I know how finicky those darn scales can be.

The last couple of days for me have not exactly been easy. My past has been haunting me in my dreams and it has really be disturbing to me. First let me give you some background information. This might be kind of long. Back when I was a teenager I met a guy named Kris and feel madly in love. We moved in together when we were 17 and lived together for almost a year. Then he cheated on me, for the second time, and when I found out I immediately broke up with him and rented a U-Haul and moved out the next weekend. We had been best friends for several years, though I was trying to get him to go out with me that whole time. I was very close with his mom and his family and even moved in with them for a year. Kris and I had been broken up for a year when I moved in with his family. He did not live there and in fact he and the girl he cheated on me with had moved to Wisconsin. During that time Kris and I still talked all the time on the phone. I got my own apartment and a great job and that is when I started to lose weight. I have always had weight problems and back then I was in around a size 22 I think. I ended up going from 247 down to 172. This was the spring/summer of 1997. Kris and the other girl came to back to Texas for a visit that summer. He called me when he was in town and asked me to come by his parent's house. I got in my car and headed over there. On the way I passed him in a car with his brother when they were on the way to the store. He saw me as well and pulled over. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I got out of my car and he opened his door and saw me and his mouth just dropped. He was floored. He ran over to me and gave me a big hug and picked me up. He said I looked so good and he could not believe it was me. The whole time he was there he just get not get over how much I had lost and kept saying how good I looked. I felt like I was on cloud nine. During the months before when I would be on the treadmill working out I would be picturing his reaction and it felt so good to see him so shocked.

During that visit he cheated on Christina (the other woman) with me. And that was not the only time that happened over the next 3 years. For a long time after we first broke up I thought it was me, that I was the problem. But then as soon as he cheated on her with me, I knew at that moment that it was not me and never was. It was all him and he was the one with the problem. I was an idiot though because even though I knew that I still wanted him back. He went back to Wisconsin but we would still talk all the time. Not long after he left he called me while he was on a trip with his mother and I believe they were in Seattle. He told me that he had thought about everything and that he had decided to come back to me. He said he was going to go back to Wisconsin and get his stuff and tell Christina that it was over. It wasn't but a few days later that he called me back to say he had just found out that Christina was pregnant. Kris' dad had not really been a part of his life. In fact the reason he moved to Wisconsin was that he and his dad were just starting to get to know eachother and that is where he lived. So, Kris told me that there was just no way that he could just walk away from a baby. I was upset of course but I knew there was not really anything I could do. Kris later told me that he had found out that Christina had been flushing her birth control pills and that she had wanted to get pregnant. I do not put that past her for a second but I know that if he had really been in love with me he would never have been with her in the first place. I am sure she did want to trap him. I do not understand why a woman would want to do that because normally it does not even work but in this case it did.

The baby was due in January 1998. I met a guy that was my sister's boss in Dec. 1997 that I fell hard for. It wasn't long and he was asking me to marry to him. I said yes and thought I was over Kris. Well it turned out that they guy was a major momma's boy. One night he wanted to take me bowling but it was raining outside and he called to tell me that he couldn't go because his mother would not let him drive in the rain. He was still living at home at the time and he was either 20 or 21. Then a big group of our friends all wanted to go to San Antonio for a weekend but he said he could not go because we were all going to share one room, both girls and guys, and his mommy would not approve. That was the last straw and I broke up with him. So, I was back to being single. My sister graduated in May 1998 and we rented a townhouse together. Well Kris and I started up our conversations again. By that fall he said that he had decided he was really leaving Christina and coming back to Texas and that we would be together.

One night he loaded up his car and took the baby with him and headed to Texas. I could not believe that he was really doing it. He came to my place and I can remember my sister and her boyfriend watched the baby while Kris and I caught up on old times. Later that night he went to go visit his mother. When he left I was so full of myself and very smug that I decided to call Christina and tell her where Kris had just been, in my bed. I was being a royal bitch. There was a time when Christina and I would actually talk on the phone. She was not happy with Kris. In fact she would tell me that he would spit on her and tell her she was worthless. I honestly do not know why either one of us wanted him. He was a highschool dropout, had a shitty job, liked to drink, a sailor's mouth, was rude and very full of himself (why I have no idea). Anyway by this time Christina and I were back to hating each other again. As soon as I called her she was on the road heading to Texas. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had never made that call but boy am I glad that I did. She came back and all of a sudden he was not going to leave her. However, he would drive by my place all the time checking up on me, he admitted this to me. Then at the beginning of 1999 my sister and I were moving and he offered to come help us. He helped my dad move all of our stuff and Christina would be calling on his cell phone and he would come up with some lie and not let her know where he really was. Just like he did to me when he was first seeing her.

Both my sister and I were living back at my parent's house and going to college. I would drive down to Kris' parent's house and visit from time to time. His mother had a lot of issues back then herself. We had been like best friends, which is very weird to me now. I have to explain here a little something. Kris had an older brother and then he had 5 other brothers and sisters. Kris and his older brother's dad was the one in Wisconsin, you knew I had mentioned that. Well 4 of his other siblings' dad was the man that his mom was now married to. Hope you follow. Well she had had an affair and the youngest girl had a different father. For years nobody even knew about it and then she confided in me. Eventually she ended up telling all the kids about it and came clean. But she used to run off with this guy that she had had the affair with. She would take the youngest kid (his daughter) and leave with him on his truck (he was a truck driver). Well she would claim that he kidnapped her and would just show up out of the blue one day. She had done this many many times and I had actually covered for her several times. I know it was very hard on all the kids when she did this. Can you imagine, one day your mom just disappears for months and you don't know when she will be back?

Well she did this again, I believe it was 1999 or could have been the first of 2000. This time I had had it. I blew up and went off on her. I told her how selfish she is and how it effects her children. I had been put in a hard place many times and I was young at the time. I had been 19-22 or so during this time and I did lie for her but she was an adult that I looked up to. I think she used me as well as her son. But anyway that is another story within itself. It was also around this time that I had been down at her house and Kris and Christina were there. This particular day I was there hanging out with Kris' little sisters. You have to remember they were like my family and were sisters to me too. I had been around them at that point for around 8 years so were very close. Christina did something mean to one of the girls and it started a fight between her and me. We were yelling and I remember saying something about well at least I wasn't the type to get pregnant just to keep a man. We were about to come to blows when I guess Kris got her out of there. I was a lot bigger than her and would have hurt her pretty bad.

That was the last time that I ever spoke to Kris. I have not talked to him ever since, well not technically. Every now and then I would prank his house just to piss them off, or sometimes just to hear his voice. I know how sick that is and is very stalkerish but I was not mature back then at all. I have grown up a lot since then. I did not stop making calls to them until the day that I met Jeremiah. As soon as Jeremiah and I did meet, I knew that he was the one for me and I did not feel the need to even think about Kris anymore.

Ok, so that is the story and history. Here we are today. And I do talk to a couple of Kris' siblings via myspace every now and then but have not ever brought him up. I have even seen some pictures of him. Guess what? He is fat now. He used to treat me so bad about my weight back then (he used to wear a 28 in men's, very skinny). And Christina is no skinny thing now either. Yes she has stayed with him all these years. I would be willing to bet money on it that he has cheated on her over the years. I honestly believe once a cheater always a cheater and he was very emotionally abusive. But that is between them and I am glad that I am not a part of it anymore. So, why did I bring all this up. Well here lately I have been having Kris pop up in my dreams, a lot. I am so sick and tired of it but do not know what to do.

I love Jeremiah with all of my heart. He is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I used to lay in bed and pray that I would find someone who would love me as much as I love them. God answered that prayer and even went beyond what I asked because in fact I think Jeremiah loves me even more than I love him, if that is possible. He does everything for me and I always come first. He is the most sensitive, caring, compassionate, creative, loving, man that I have ever met (besides my dad). In fact I had always said that I wished I could marry a man like my father and lucky me, I did. He treats me so much better than Kris could ever even dream of treating a woman. We make decisions together and we genuinely want to be with each other every waking hour. The only time we are ever apart is when he is at work. It is rare that he will go over to a friend's house without me and the only time I really do much out on my own is when he is at work. It is not that neither of us is allowed to, or that we would even mind if the other went to do something on their own, it is just that we want to be together as much as we can and we enjoy it.

I know that I love Jeremiah and I am happy so why does Kris keep haunting me in my dreams? I wish I could figure this out. It has been happening now for years. The dreams did stop around the time Jeremiah and I got together and would only occur every once in a while, but here lately they are happening all the time. And the dreams are so real that it is scary. In the dreams what usually happens is somehow Kris pops up in my life and wants me back. I get so excited and happy in the dreams and find a peace that I don't seem to have any other time. It is just the most intense good feeling and I hate to wake up because I lose that feeling. I feel guilty even saying that and tears are coming to my eyes. I feel guilty because like I said I love my husband and feel guilty even dreaming about someone else.

Just last night I had a dream and both Jeremiah and Kris were in it. Jeremiah has finally opened his own tattoo shop and for some reason Kris shows up to apply to work there. I walk in and he sees me and gets mad thinking that I am stalking him. He then finds out that I am married to Jeremiah and he can't believe it. Well he and Jeremiah get to talking and start to become friends. I say to both of them that Jeremiah just can't help being friends with my exes. In real life Jeremiah is friends with one guy that I used to "date". I guess Jeremiah goes ahead and hires him in the dream because Kris stays around. Well Kris and I get to talking and I before I know it we are getting back together. I am telling Jeremiah and he is not surprised at all and is ok with it. He is talking to someone else, a female, but not sure who and says that he knows that Kris and I are meant to be together so he is fine with it. Next thing I know in the dream I wake up and realize that it all was a dream. (So in my dream, I wake up from a dream. I have never before had a dream within a dream that I can remember anyway. It was weird.) So in the dream I start talking to my mom and telling her about the dream that I had. I tell her how frustrated I am but how the dream makes me feel so good and that I think I still love Kris somehow. After that the dream gets really weird with the mafia involved, people chasing me in cars, hiding in a movie theater, and another tattoo shop with Kris and Jeremiah there again. It gets hazy after that.

In many of the Kris dreams, but not this last one, I am trying to call him on the phone and I know the number but I can not dial the right numbers. I start to dial the number but then mess up somehow and have to start over and this goes on and on until I am so frustrated that I just forget it. Most of the time the dreams involve him coming back to me and every now and then Christina will be in the dream and he will tell her that he is leaving her for good.

I don't know if I just never got closure or what the deal is. If I am honest then yes I do still love Kris but not in the same way that I love Jeremiah. I mean Kris was my first love and my first real boyfriend. We had a lot of good times and were really better friends than anything else. I think in a way maybe I did trap him into a relationship. When we moved in together he had been kicked out of his house and was staying with his brother at a friend's. It was my idea that we get an apartment together. You see he had lived in Sherman when we meet and then his family moved down by Dallas (60 miles away). I had a car and my license and Kris' best friend and I would drive down and hang out with him, or I would talk to him on the phone. He had not meet hardly anyone down there, except for one weird guy, so he really clung to me and my car and the chance to go do something. My parent's gave me a very good allowance and I had their credit card to pay for all the gas I ever needed. So I was able to buy us pretty much whatever we wanted. I think I was just convenient for him, so maybe I didn't trap as much as I just happened to always be there and nobody else was. That is why I do think he used me, but I was dumb enough at the time to let him.

In fact that pattern carried on to other guys that I dated. That is where I believe my weight was a factor. I didn't feel good enough about myself so I thought that I had to give up sex, pay for everything, and always be around if I was going to get the guy because I just was not good enough in my eyes. I even started doing that to an extent when I was first with Jeremiah. But I quickly learned that was not necessary because he really did love me for just me and not what I had. He had his own money and his parent's were still helping him (and in fact still help us now). I now know what it really means to give and receive true love. But like I said there will always be a place in my heart for Kris. I wish that there was not but there is. Sometimes I wish that every memory associated with him could just be washed away. But I know that those years did help to form me into the woman that I am today. I have often wondered what I would do if he really did show up one day out of the blue and want me back. I think for a moment, a fleeting moment, I would be tempted. Just because I like to imagine things were better than they really were. I think that in my mind I forget how much we used to fight, how mean he was to me, how he cheated on me and then on Christina, how could I ever even want to speak to a man that would spit on his girlfriend? I guess my mind thinks of the way that I wish it could have been and not the way that it really was. I say that I loved Kris but the more I sit here and think about it, the more I think that it was not love but an obsession. I think that what got to me and probably still gets to me, is that I did not get what I wanted.

If you know me in real life, then you would know that I am an extremely controlling person. I do not like to ride in the car with anyone unless I am the one driving because I can not stand for someone else to be in control. I have always believed that I never got into drugs like so many of my friends did simply because I would not want something else to control me. I did experiment one time and took some mushrooms, this was years and years ago, and I absolutely hated it. It was the worst experience of my life. I was not in control and could not stand it. Jeremiah and I have gotten into fights over stupid as stuff just because he would make plans or want to do something that I just did not want to do at the time, or didn't think of first and we would fight because he would not do what I wanted him to do. Control. That is my enemy and what I fight with daily. I am sure somehow it is also connected with my eating. I must have stayed fat because somehow I felt it was something that I was controlling.

I believe that is why I am having an easier time losing the weight than some people do. Because once I get something in my mind then it is not going to leave and I am going to control it. I have been exercising religiously and counting my calories to the tee. All things that I feel I can now control. I am also a perfectionist and they say that has to do with control as well.

Alright, maybe we are getting somewhere here. Maybe these dreams are coming up now that I am on this weight loss journey and it has something to do with control. See I knew that I needed to just keep writing. I know that my posts are like books and I am glad that you all come here to read them and give me your support. But honestly I write this blog for me. I can not afford counseling right now and this is my way of getting my feelings out there. I do think that I am onto something here. Now I just have to figure out what my these dreams are trying to tell me. The more that I think about the less I think that the dreams have anything to do with Kris at all. If I remember correct the last time that the dreams popped up a lot was back right before Jeremiah and I got married. That was another big change in my life and I was letting someone else in and giving up some control. If you are still with me after all this tell me what you think? Am I on the right track here or am I just reaching? You just do not know how bad I want to put Kris behind me and stop having him invade my dreams. I do not want to love him, I do not want to remember him, and I certainly do not want to even have to think about him anymore. That part of my life is over and I just wish he would go away.

Ok that is enough purging for one day. I will be back later to weigh in. I am going to try and go get a little sleep now before I have to get back up and at 'em. Just pray that I have some better dreams! I could dream that I finally get to my goal weight and then all of a sudden we buy the winning lottery ticket and the whole world is ready for the taking. Yes, that sounds like a plan and a dream that I would like to have (and I am more than willing for it to come true).

Goals, shaving, and some cute shoes!

2010-05-11T06:45:00.004-05:00

I am very proud to announce that I made it yesterday on the elliptical for 30 mins. straight. It didn't really start to get to me until I hit around 15mins but by then I knew that I was halfway done and would make it. I thought about stopping once I made it a mile but I told myself no that I had in my mind 30 mins. and I was not going to quit. I felt so good afterwards.

Shortly after that I did 30 mins. of strength training. I could really feel it in my arms. I can already tell that my abs are getting stronger. I think maybe all the crunches are working because I have a feeling that they are what caused me to all of a sudden lose some inches. I love crunches! No I am not insane, well maybe I am but it isn't because I love crunches. I just love how much better I feel with a stronger core. I have been concentrating a lot on having better posture. Not only when I stand but also when I am sitting. I will catch myself start to slouch and immediately make myself sit up straighter. That is something my mom has been telling me to do for years. I guess it is time I got around to listening to her.

Oh, and another change that I love is the fact that I have been able to wear some of my high heels. My mom bought me some really cute shoes 2 summers ago but they are high wedges and I just could not wear them much at all. I have hated to only wear flats but heels just killed my feet too much. With just the weight that I have lost so far, I am finally able to wear the shoes. I was not in any pain at all and could have walked around for hours with no problem. Jeremiah had better get ready because I have a feeling there will be a lot of cute shoes coming home with me in the near future. Luckily he can not get too upset with me because he is a shoe-aholic himself.

Last night I was thinking about many of the changes that I have gone through already. I never really realized what all I was giving up or dealing with by staying at my size. I was in the shower and shaving my legs when it suddenly occurred to me that it was much easier to reach down to my legs. I can't even fathom how different it will be once all of this fat on my stomach is totally gone. I am starting to see why people who lose a ton of weight talk about everything that they could not do when they were fat. You just don't see it when you are that size, at least I know that I didn't and still do not. I am excited to see what else gets easier for me.

I'm also very excited for the LHAS weigh in on Wed. All along I have been counting my calories but this past Friday I started a journal where I am writing down everything I eat and how much I exercise. I have always been good at remembering every little thing I eat so I have not had any surprises or a-ha moments where I realize that I am eating more than I thought. It is just now I am actually writing it down. It is nice to be able to look at my diet in black and white and go over what I ate for the entire week. I have been staying in my calorie range, which is 800-1200 calories. I know many of you will freak at that amount but I am under a Doctor's care and I do take my vitamins. I have hypothyroidism and it makes it very very hard for me to lose any weight. The last few days I have been staying closer to the 1000-1200 range. I figured with increasing my exercise so much that I had better increase my calories as well. I can not wait to see how this week has gone. I am so ready to be out of the 230's and into the 220's.

Ok, I am going to wrap this up now. I am leaving you with some pictures of the shoes that I mentioned above. As you can see I am in desperate need of a pedicure. I am thinking that if I do hit the 220's then maybe I will get one to celebrate. Keep up the good work everyone and remember no pain, no gain (or lose in our case)!

Calories, Health, and my insanity

2010-05-10T08:26:00.004-05:00

Most of the time I feel like a walking contradiction. I don't know if it is because my birthday is on a cusp and because I am lean more to the Libra side of me than the Virgo side but I have a hard time making decisions and I always see both sides of everything. One day I might think one way but then the next I am thinking in a whole new way. It must drive people who know me crazy because it drives me nuts too.

That is why sometimes I may post about something but then a few posts later be talking about something that totally contradicts what I said before. I am an ever changing woman. I know there are a lot of women out there that change their minds a lot but for me it happens constantly even with little things. I have been trying to be positive about this and tell myself it is just that I am always thinking and evolving and that it is a good thing to continually be growing. Whatever eases the mind right?

I had been thinking about my indecisiveness a lot this past week and then this weekend it came up again when I was reading and commenting on blogs. I was reading my favorite blog Escape from Obesity about how a calorie is not always just a calorie. I know what Lynn means about eating healthy. I do care, well now I do, about what I put in my body. I do not want to just lose weight, I want to be healthy. But then as I read the comments to her post someone mentioned the website 344 Pounds and how this guy Tyler has lost over 140 pounds by just counting calories. He frequently eats "bad food" like pizza, cheeseburgers, fries, etc., but it is all within is calorie limit. He does not want to eat nothing but good for you food all the time because he said it is not realistic for him. And I do see his point as well. I have always believed that losing weight comes down to one thing calories in vs. calories out. It really is that simple.

But just because you can lose weight by eating only 1200 calories, or whatever your limit is, of junk food does not mean that you will be healthy. That is why there are many, many, many people out there that are skinny but are not healthy. But my thought is why knock someone for what they choose to do. So what if you eat junk but only in moderation. Maybe that is your only vice whereas other people smoke, drink, do drugs, etc. Like I said in one of my comments on Tyler's page, nobody can be perfect. And where does everyone come off thinking that everyone has to be so damn healthy all the time. I am being serious here. If you exercise and eat in moderation, and lose weight and then maintain that weight, why is it so important to then force even more healthy talk and plans on them. I think that in the weight loss world we sometimes get a little obsessed with all the health talk.

There is always so much talk about losing weight to get healthy, eating better for your health, exercising for your health, take this supplement it is better, no wait a minute research shows we were wrong you should take this instead, sleep is the most important thing, eat low carbs, eat low fat, no no that isn't right some fat is good for you and they add more salt for flavor so low fat foods are not so good for you. Ughhhh, it goes on and on. I have been told that if you are losing weight just to look good then you are losing weight for the wrong reason because you will never be happy. That instead you need to lose weight just to get healthy.

Well of course I want to be healthy and to feel good. But honestly one of the reasons (and yes it is a big reason) I want to lose weight is to look good. I want to feel sexy, desirable, and look like a complete hottie. I think if most of us are honest then that is what we want. Let's face it, we live in a very vain society and looks play an important role. I do want to be pretty and to have guys jealous of my husband because he has such a beautiful wife. Is that petty of me, yes, but it is the truth. I have never been one of those women who have guys stare and hit on me. I am happily married but it would still be nice to get hit on! My husband tells me everyday that I am beautiful and I know that he means it. He really does think that I am beautiful and I do think that I am pretty. I am not happy with my weight right now but I do still think that I am pretty. My husband worries that I will lose all of this weight and leave him. That would never happen because even though I would like to get attention from other men in the way of come ons and such, I would never ever cheat or leave him. For one I know that Jeremiah loves me for me and not just what I look like. I would never know going forward if that person loves me, the real me and entire package, or if they just like the wrapping.

I think a lot of all the healthy talk is just to be politically correct. In many circles it has become very "in" to be health conscious, just like it is cool to now be "going green". A lot of it is a marketing scheme set by companies that just want to make a quick buck. But we all buy into it.

Another thing that I was thinking about that really ticks me off is how whenever you hear stories from someone who has lost weight you hear about how terrible life was before, how unhappy they were, how they could not walk up one single flight of stairs, etc. This is especially true on my favorite show The Biggest Loser. The people on there talk about their past selves like they were horrible people who had the plague. Yes I do want to lose weight and get to the point that I feel better and have more energy. But I am not unhappy and nor do I hate my life. I can walk up stairs and have not had a problem doing so even at my heaviest weight. I could go places like the mall, or even to the Texas State Fair, and walk around all day. Sure I had to take some breaks but I could still do it. Is it easier now? Yes when we went to the Dallas zoo a few weeks ago I had no problems walking four hours at a time and really didn't even need to take a break except for when we ate a quick lunch. I do have more energy now and know that as I continue to lose I will get even more. But still my life has not been as bad as some would like you to think it is at over 250 pounds. I guess once you lose the weight and there is such drastic changes in yourself and you can suddenly see how great you feel that you start to think there is no way I was ever happy back when I weighed so much.

There are times when I think some of the comments from people who have lost a lot of weight are very insulting to those who still have weight to lose. I know that the people who have lost the weight do not mean any harm and are only proud of themselves and looking at how far they have come. But many times the way they talk makes it sound like being fat is the most horrible thing in the entire world. Yes it sucks and nobody wants to stay like this but it is not the worse thing in the world. Many overweight people live very productive, loving, and fun filled lives. Am I the only one that feels this way?

On The Biggest Loser as the season progresses we hear comments about how they used to wear a size 22/24 and had to, gasp, shop in a plus-size store. Oh the horrors. Now of course I can not wait until I can shop in the "normal" section but my point is it is not as bad as it seems, at least not to me. I have good days and I have bad days when it comes to shopping. I love clothes and always have and I do own a lot of outfits that I just love to death and will be sad when they do not fit anymore. In fact I am going to be mourning some of my favorites. It is very strange to be so happy to lose the weight but at the same time be sad that some of my favorite clothes do not fit anymore. It doesn't even make much sense to me. I should be happy that I get to go out and buy new stuff.

Then there are several of the contestants this season who have told us they haven't ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend in their entire life. That really bugged me because I think it feeds into the stereotype that fat people are never going to meet someone and get married. Well guess what, fat people fall in love and get married all the time. Just because you are overweight does not mean that you will never date or find someone to love. Of course it makes things harder in the dating world but it is not impossible. I am not saying that these people should lie or that they have not suffered being alone and that sucks big time, I guess I just hate that it is true for them. Just like I hate it when anytime Texas is portrayed it is all about cattle, country music, cowboy hats, trucks, boots, and good old boys. There are some people about that here in Texas but the majority of people I know are not like that at all. Jeremiah hates country music with a passion and I must say most of the guys that I have dated and hung out with have had the same feeling. I like some country music, now that is more poppy than country, but growing up I hated country music too. I have never ridden a horse and have never owned a pair of cowboy boots in my life. I am not a country girl at all, I am all city. People I have met here that have just moved from somewhere else, always comment on how they expected something completely different. Texas, at least North Texas where I live, is just like any other normal place in the US.

Ok, I will step off from my soap box now. Enough bitching for one day. These were just a few thoughts that have been bugging me lately. So those are my thoughts for today, but who knows how I will feel tomorrow. What are you thinking today?

Clothing Swap

2010-05-08T16:50:00.003-05:00

I was just wondering if anyone knows of a good site to swap clothes? I just joined this site to rehash clothes, but was wondering if there were any other good sites out there. I am now losing enough weight that I can rid of some of my clothes and figured if I can swap that would be good since I am pretty broke.

It gets so expensive having to buy new clothes as you lose weight, so I just thought it would be cool to be able to trade some clothes as I lose. I now have some size 24 jeans, a pair of dress pants and a pair of capris that need to go. I am now looking to get size 18's.

I would love to create a site for people losing weight where we could load clothes and swap kind of like the book swapping site that my friend told me about.

My new toy!

2010-05-08T04:05:00.002-05:00

My oh so wonderful husband surprised me today with an elliptical. He was driving by a garage sale and decided to stop when he saw it was for sale. I have been looking to get a treadmill but an elliptical will do just fine so I can not complain.

He paid $50 and I thought that was a pretty good price. It is a Proform XP 110 and I looked on Craigslist and found several used ones for sale but the cheapest I found was $150 and some were even asking $200. After seeing those prices I was super excited since I love a good deal.

It has ifit capability but it is the old ifit chirp and not the ifit live. I would love to eventually get a the incline treadmill with the ifit live and have Jillian Michaels kick my arse. But for now I will just have to kick my own self. I tried the ifit thing with some of the basic workouts they have on their old site for free but I couldn't get it to work so I don't know if I was doing something wrong or what.

All I know is that this sucker is tough. I got on and I kid you not I was dying at just 4 mins. So I got off rested a few mins. then did 4 mins. more. I did this a few times and now going 4 mins. is getting easier. I will just have to work up to it like I did on the Gazelle. When I first started out on the Gazelle this past January I could only last 5 mins and now I can go for an hour.

Ok so without further adeau - here is my new toy!

Quickie!

2010-05-07T05:47:00.003-05:00

Just stopping in for a very quick update on how MLHAS is going. So far so good, actually better than expected. On Wednesday I worked out for 90mins and then Thursday I got in 2 workouts for a total of 135mins.

I didn't eat all that great yesterday. I had a bowl of granola and milk again. Then for lunch had a Lean Cuisine dinner, and then is when trouble hit. I came home and my in-laws had gotten Golden Chick for dinner. I ended up eating 4 chicken tenders (but I did take the smallest ones) 6 pieces of fried okra, a yeast roll, and then some potato salad that Jeremiah's uncle had made the other night. The potato salad had sour cream, chives, bacon pieces, mayo, and of course potato! Oh it was so darn good. I had maybe 3/4 cup. So it was not all bad but I know that none of it was healthy what so ever!!! It could have been worse because Uncle had made pecan bars (just like pecan pie in bar form). I did not even touch one or even glance at them twice.

I have come to realize that the reason I do not crave sweets is because I do not hardly ever eat them. If I do par-take in sweets then I keep craving them and get on a roll of eating them. So I just avoid them and don't have a problem. Over the weekend when I was getting over my kidney stone and I had the night of sweets with my hubby, well that just lead to me eating something sweet everyday this week until today. I realize now what happened and put a stop to it. I was not eating tons of sweets everyday, like yesterday had just one brownie. But still I was eating sweets when normally I do not. It was all triggered by just one indulgence. Next time when I do indulge I will have to make sure not to let it carry over to any other instances.

At least I am learning new things about myself. Surely there are more insights to come.

Todays plan is to get back on track with C25K since I have not ran since last Friday. I am also going to do my pilates (both my lower body and my ab dvd's) so I should be able to get in at least 90 mins if not more. Hope everyone else is having a good week.

Some Pics, just for fun!

2010-05-06T01:20:00.004-05:00

I just thought it would be fun to post some other pics of myself and family. Here is my wonderful husband Jeremiah and me at Christmas 2008.

And here I am with my sister Laura and family's little chihuahua Max. This was Christmas of 2008 I believe.

This is Jeremiah, my step-son Dakota, and me at the bowling alley. Like you couldn't have guessed where we were. This picture was taken in the Fall of 2009.

Here is my husband Jeremiah, my nephew Matthew (at 5 months old), and me. Taken August 2009.

This next picture is of my little sister Lydia (mother to Matthew and Jacob) and me at her college graduation. Also taken August 2009.

And here we have Jeremiah and me taken just this past March at his grandmother Peggy's funeral.

This was just me playing around and asked Jeremiah to take my picture. This was taken the summer of 2009 back when we had our own place in Oklahoma. I was and well always will be into the 80's!!

And this last picture was taken just this Easter 2010 and is my nephews Jacob and Matthew posing in some cool shades along with me having a laugh.

Ready. Set. Go!

2010-05-05T22:53:00.006-05:00

Today starts the first challenge that I have ever participated in. I am beginning the LHA Summer Challenge, from May 5 - Aug 25. A big thank you to Christine for getting this challenge together.

I still do not have a scale yet but one of the requirements was to take your picture on a scale today. I went downtown to the scale in front of a furniture store that has been there forever, and took my picture. I was happy to see the scale at 232. Last time that I had weighed I was at 237 so I am down another 5 pounds.

My goal for this challenge is to continue to lose 2 pounds a week, which would be 32 pounds for the entire 16 week challenge. That would put me down to 200! One of my goals all along has been to be below 200 by my birthday, which is Sept. 23. So if all goes as planned I should beat that goal almost a month early.

My fitness goals are to continue on the C25K. I have my first 5K race planned for Aug. 28, so this challenge is just perfect for the training that I need. In addition to my running 3 days a week, I am also going to do my strength training/aerobics and my new pilates dvd's. I am committing to a minimum of at least 60minutes of exercise daily for 5 days a week. I technically give myself the weekends off but so far even on the weekends I have been doing some kind of activity but usually something with the family or a slower walk at the park.

One of the other requirements of the challenge was to post a full body shot. I have been meaning for so long to do just that, so I am happy to finally get some shots posted. And to think these are after I have lost 22 pounds since I began on March 2, 2010. In the past year I had been up to 276 so when you consider that I am down 44 pounds from my highest weight! So here are the pics!

As you can see my little maltese dog, Hamlet, had to get in a few of the pics. I can not wait to see how I change and I oh so look forward to some smaller clothes. Here we go!!!

Excruciating Pain

2010-05-05T05:33:00.002-05:00

I am still alive but man have I had a bad few days. I woke up on Saturday to the most excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. The pain then moved to my back and was on the right side and just kept getting worse. I ended up going to the ER and found out that I had a kidney stone.

I just now finally passed the stone a couple of hours ago. On top of the stone I also had a UTI. I have been drinking tons of water and just dulling the pain with pain pills as I go along. I was told by several people to partake in a beer so I did that on Monday night and then again on Tuesday night. I only drank one beer each night and it was a Corona Light. I very rarely ever drink but this has been so horrible that I would do anything to get through it.

The ER doctor told me that the stone could be due to my new diet. I also think that I was not drinking enough water. I do not drink any caffeine drinks and pretty much only drink water, except for some crystal light every now and then. I just don't think I was drinking enough of it. I was especially bad at getting enough fluids when I was exercising. So my new goal is to step-up the fluids. I am just never all that thirsty, so this is going to be a challenge for me.

I did not do any exercising Sat-Mon but finally on Tuesday night I eased back into it by doing my lower body Pilates' DVD. I am ready to get back into my workout routine. I have not eaten much but on Monday I did eat some sweets, well more than just some sweets more like a lot of sweets. Jeremiah had brought some goodies home and I ended up eating a cupcake, a mini-chocolate eclair (that wasn't even very good), a handful of Jordan almonds, and some of a Hershey's chocolate and almond bar. Luckily for me earlier in the day my appetite had still been gone so all I had eaten was a wrap with some meat, lettuce and tomato, so I did not totally kill my calories. I just didn't eat anything worthwhile at all. On Saturday and Sunday I could barely even keep water down so I did not eat anything at all until very late Sunday when I had a three chicken fajitas on corn tortillas. Maybe I lost a few pounds just from all the throwing up on Saturday. That would be the only bright light in any of this.

I am just happy that the stone passed and that I can get back to normal. I got to save the stone and will be giving it to my Dr so that he can get it analyzed. I do not ever want to have to go through this again and by analyzing the stone I can get an idea what caused it.

Insights

2010-04-28T09:29:00.007-05:00

I don't know how the days flew by without me blogging. I just now realized that I had not posted since Sunday. I had a good day on Monday and completed my run. I did increase the time and it was not so bad. I am looking forward to another run today.

On Monday night I made our first dinner from the Hungry Girl cookbook. I decided to make something easy to ease my hubby into this whole healthy eating thing. I made the lean bean-n-cheese enchiladas and they were great. My husband said he had to eat crow because he had been talking crap about how he thought they would be nasty. He was very surprised to find they were good and said nobody would have even known they were a low-fat enchilada.

Tuesday I made a egg beaters wrap along with spinach, tomato, and feta cheese. Then for dinner I made boneless chicken wings (they were chicken breast cut into cubes and then breaded with Fiber One and get this Low-fat BBQ Pringles). I also made a side of mashed potatoes that also had cauliflower and garlic in them. Then threw in a side of steamed veggies. So far I am really liking the recipes and they are all super easy.

So last night my husband watched The Biggest Loser with me and I think he really did get inspired. Why do I say that, well he started exercising during the last part of the show. As soon as it was over I went and grabbed my weights and joined him. I showed him the exercises I normally do and we did my entire routine together. He was a sweaty mess and had to jump right in the shower but said he did feel good. He asked to go with me tonight when I go for my run. I am super happy that he is joining in on the exercising. I had told him from now on as far as our eating I goes, I am making the meals and he can either it or make something for himself. He said to just make the food but not tell him what is in it. Works for me!

I have been catching up on blogs this morning. I get so inspired and learn a lot just from reading the journeys of others. One thing that I am always reading is how hard losing weight is. I do agree that it is hard, because if it wasn't then why has it taken so long for me to do it? However, I am starting to wonder if something is wrong with me or if I am going to suddenly crash or something because right now it is not seeming hard at all. I am not really having problems staying on track and I have been exercising religiously. Like I said the other day, I have had a few cravings but nothing really hard to ignore. I have been offered many tempting foods but have not even batted an eye at them or even wanted them at all. Honestly, I am not trying to brag or anything like that, but it has just been really easy for me. As I read other people struggling and not being able to stay on track, I sometimes feel guilty about how I have not been having those problems. Shouldn't this be so much harder? Or is it hard but I am just fooling myself somehow? I know that I was never an emotional eater. In fact I really didn't eat all that much. At least no more than a normal person would eat. The amount of food that I ate was not the problem, it was the type of food that I ate. For many years I ate all the time but I had stopped a lot of that in the past year. But I was still eating bad. I would eat things like hot pockets, burritos, microwaveable cheeseburgers, hamburger helper, frozen pizza, etc. I didn't eat a whole lot in one sitting but it was still high calorie, processed crap. I was just so lazy when it came to fixing anything to eat. There were times I would be too lazy to even fix a sandwich. But now that I have been eating better, more veggies and fruit, lean meats, more fish, nothing fried, well I find that I just don't want that old crap food anymore.

I might be lucky because I am not one who really craves many sweets. I will want something every now and then but I am not much of a sweets person. Reese's peanut butter cups, cheesecake, and my parent's banana pudding are about all that I eat of sweet stuff. Now my husband on the other hand LOVES sweets. Both he and my mom have a constant sweet tooth. I am so very thankful that I do not have those cravings. I like sour or salty things more and usually a pickle will take care of that.

I think besides the type of high caloric food that I ate, the biggest reason I was so fat was that I was totally and utterly lazy. I did not move much at all and got zero exercise. I have now been exercising regularly since January and it has become a habit. I now crave exercising and how good it makes me feel. I want to have that feeling and hate it if I ever miss a day. Not because I feel guilty but because I miss the feeling. I love running and the high that I get from it. I can see how someone can become addicted to exercise. It is like any other addiction out there but it is just one that is looked at more favorably than other addictions. But I am sure one can take exercise too far, just like any thing else out there.

I have always known that I am a very controlling person. I absolutely have to be the one in control or I just can't stand it. I am now seeing how I was the one in control of my weight and health all along and could have done something a long time ago. But for some reason being fat worked for me. Yes it was an inconvenience, made life so much harder, continually shattered my self-esteem, and in general just feed into my lazy lifestyle but in the end it all worked for me. It had to or I would not have stayed that way for so long. I think that I like to play the victim. I want to be the center of attention but I don't like to ask for the attention out right. I try to be very humble and not seem conceited or full of myself because I feel that would be looked down upon. That in turn made me put myself down and not relish in my accomplishments and be ashamed of achieving anything. I know totally sick and it does not even make much sense but I am starting to see why I stayed over 250 pounds for so long. I did not have to work hard at staying fat, it came very easy. Being fat allowed me to continue to be lazy but still get attention. I was included in a group, an obese and unhealthy group, but I belonged and had others to identify with. Back when I was in school I can remember never really feeling like I belonged. I had a lot of friends and was in a tight group but I never felt like I should have been there. I was in all honors classes throughout my education and we were all very close because we were all in the same classes together year after year. I knew that I was smart but I still did not feel like I was supposed to be there. Then in high school many of my friend were in band and I had dropped out of band after one year (6th grade) because I was too lazy to ever practice. My other best friend joined the flag corp and so she traveled with the band to all the football games and got to sit with them, etc. Our other friends who were not in band were either on the drill or in some other clique. I have often wondered if things would have been different if I would have stayed in band. At my high school it was not "nerdy" or "uncool" to be in band. A lot of the popular kids were in band so it was not looked down on.

I don't know because I did get into journalism and was on the yearbook and had gotten accepted to be in the student trainer program. The trainers were the ones who would tape up the athlete's prior to a game and would be on the sidelines in case anyone got hurt or needed anything. But then during my sophomore year I was getting my books out of the backseat of my car and another student came speeding through the parking lot and hit me. My car and I were thrown many feet and then the other car ended up pinning my leg in its bumper. I ended up having 8 surgeries on my leg and missed almost the entire spring semester of that year. When I went back to school at the beginning of my junior year I had decided that I did not want to be there. I ended up getting my GED the minute I turned 17 and then got a job for a year and then started my college education (which to this day I have not completed and I am now 32 years old). So, I was this great honors student who had so much potential but who dropped out of high school. I was bored, thought I wanted to be a nurse and figured I could go on to college anyway so who cared if I got an actual diploma or not. That decision has haunted me to this day. Part of me does not regret the decision because I am generally happy with who I have become, but I still wonder how my life could have been different. I missed prom and all of the fun senior year traditions. I have yet to ever walk across a stage to get a diploma. But, I will be getting my associate's degree next fall so that will be exciting.

I am sorry this post has gotten so very long. I started writing and all of this just came out. I am bore you but it does help me to just write it all down. Before today it never really clicked that I like to play a victim. But I am starting to see a pattern in my life and I do think it started when I got hit by that car. Now I did already have weight issues so that is not the entire reason but I do think it was a large part of what feed my obesity.

Cravings

2010-04-25T20:56:00.002-05:00

Dinner was very yummy. I had grilled chicken, grilled corn-on-the-cob, and grilled squash and zucchini. It took forever for the all the food to be done and about an hour or so before I ate my dinner I ended up cheating and eating a bratwurst. I didn't have it on a bun or anything, just plain and by itself. I haven't hardly eaten a thing today so I figured it would be ok.

But then I started really craving some root beer. Jeremiah had bought some and I saw them in the kitchen. I decided to pop one open but only had 2 drinks from the can and then put it down and was fine. I am really proud of that I could stop and the craving was over then.

On Friday night I all of a sudden, out of the blue, started craving some chicken fried steak and gravy. I did not give into that craving and it went away, but boy was it a strong sensation/emotion when the craving hit. I have no idea where it came from or what triggered it because it happened when we were driving to get my step-son and we were out in the boonies with nothing around. I didn't see a commercial, or see a restaurant to set me off, it just happened.

The only other craving that I have really had was about 2 weeks ago and I just really wanted something salty. I wanted some popcorn but there was none in the house. I ended up having a few tortilla chips with a little cheese on them. I only had a few and then felt better. I am learning to not totally deprive myself, to go ahead and give in a little, just not go crazy. So, far that is working and I don't feel like I am giving up much so I think this will continue to work.

Weekend Update

2010-04-25T15:02:00.003-05:00

So far so good this weekend. On Friday I went to the park and had my 3rd run for the week. Jeremiah and his uncle went with me but they walked. I was going to meet them as soon as I was done with my run but then I could not find them. I ended up walking the entire trail again, which is 1.5 miles and even then walked a little more. By the time I found them I was really exhausted and light headed because it was pretty warm out. We came home and I took one of the coldest showers I have ever taken and it felt so good.

This weekend was our weekend to have my step-son, so Friday night we headed to go get him. After that we decided to go out to eat at Jalapeno Tree. I decided I was going to splurge a little because so far I really have not done that at all. I ate some chips and salsa and then ordered the vegetarian quesadillas but added shrimp. The dinner came with 4 quesadillas, rice, beans (I got charro instead of refried), and guacamole and sour cream. I ate 2 of the quesadillas, maybe 2 bites of the rice, a few bites of beans and none of the guacamole or sour cream. Honestly the quesadillas were so good I just didn't want anything else on them. In the end I think I did pretty good. I boxed up the rest of the food and took it home and gave it to Jeremiah's uncle. I had had enough and got my enjoyment out of it.

On Saturday we went over to my parent's house and grilled out. Jeremiah and my step-son had steaks, baked potatoes, and baked beans. The rest of us had fajitas. Jeremiah had had fajitas the night before when we ate out so he didn't want them again. We grilled chicken, another steak, bell peppers, onions, mushrooms and then for a side I grilled squash and zucchini. I made my fajitas on corn tortillas with just a little bit of reduced fat cheese and some green salsa. They were delicious.

After we grilled out my sister and my 2 nephews went with us to the park. The kids had a blast playing. We all ended up going to explore a little in the creek and by then it was starting to get dark so we headed home to roast marshmallows. My parent's have a fire pit and the kids roasted and toasted away. I didn't eat any because at this point my stomach was bothering me and I think it was due to all the eating of non-tv dinners! I feel better today so who knows, maybe I just had a little bug or something.

Today Jeremiah is about to grill out again at his parent's house. He is a grilling fool during the spring/summer. He absolutely loves to grill out and will do so at any chance he gets. He just left for the store and is planning to get some chicken and some fresh ears of corn plus who knows what.on I still have some fresh squash and more zucchini left over that I didn't grill yesterday. I am going to walk around the land here while he grills. There are 20 acres here so I have plenty of room to go out and walk!

Tomorrow is another run day and I will be increasing my run time to 45 seconds of jogging and then 90 seconds walking. After this week I will begin the true C25K with 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking. I am going to do two weeks of that and then do two weeks of the C25K week 2 which is 90 seconds of jogging and 2 min of walking. I will go from there onto two weeks of week 3 and two weeks of doing the week 4. I will then do one week of week 5 because the next week I will be on vacation. We are supposed to be going to Corpus Christie so I know I will get some exercise there and hope to do some running on the beach. When I get back it will be two weeks of week 6, one week of week 7, then two weeks of week 8. Next it will be the final week of week 9. The race will be at the end of the next week. Sheesh, it just barely works out.

It feels good to have a plan and have it all worked out. I am going to start running in the mornings as it gets hotter. I am also about to buy a treadmill but as my father-in-law pointed out, the race is on Aug.28 and will be HOT, so I need to still train outside as well so I just use to the heat. I got a new workout outfit, including shorts, a shirt that has dri-weave technology, and even a very much needed sports bra. I still need some new shoes because I have been jogging in my Curves toning sneakers but you really are not supposed to run in them. I haven't had any problems at all but I am just really jogging a little right now and not running the entire time. I am going to invest in some good running shoes soon.

Here's to another awesome week, full of good eating and healthy runs! (Does saying I hope have runs sound too much like saying I hope I get the runs? (LOL, sorry my mind sometimes wanders to the dirty side.)

Hungry Girl - Why I am just now finding this?

2010-04-23T09:02:00.002-05:00

I just bought my first Hungry Girl book. I got the 200 under 200 cookbook and I love it. All recipes are under 200 calories and if you follow WW you can go to the book's site to get the points for each mean as well as see pictures of every recipe.

I am already so in love with this book. What I like the most is that a lot of the recipes use stuff that I already have, it just puts ingredients together that I never would have thought of doing on my own.

After reading through many blogs out there I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me in regards to my unoriginal food choices. Well now I do not have to worry about that anymore. However, if you are someone who does like to use artificial sweetener then this book is not for you. It also uses Fiber One cereal for many of the breading/crusts but luckily I am already a huge Fiber One fan.

I got the book on my Kindle and normally I would never ever get a cookbook on there but since I knew the pictures were on the website anyway I went ahead and got it. I saved almost $4 and got it instantly so I am pleased as punch. I can tell that I am going to end up buying more of her books. I also signed up for her daily newsletter with tips, you can sign up here.

I do not know why I always seem to be one of the last people to hear about something but this was perfect timing since I am now so gung-ho on my new healthier lifestyle.

I also found 2 other good websites. Again if you are following WW here is a good site that allocates points for various food.

This site also gives you calories and points for food at many popular restaurants. Do not be turned off by all of the links, just find the name of the restaurant you want and click and you will be fine.

I am personally not following WW but I still pretty much know if I was what points that I would be allowed and can tell what I should and should not eat. I am still counting my calories and since the point system is very similar I find that those sites listed above help me as well.

Now all I have to do is sit down and figure out what all I want to fix from my new cookbook for next week. Then I get to go out for a fun filled grocery shopping adventure.

Oh, that just reminded me of something. One of the products that Hungry Girl loves are called Vitalicious muffin tops. I had seen these mentioned on a few other blogs but honestly had no idea what they were. You can order them for their website, or you can search for stores in your area that sell them. The closest to me is Krogers. Now they are pretty pricey but the mixes look like a good way to go and might save a little cash. I have not tried any yet and might see if Krogers has some in stock but if not I am going to have to hold off since I have splurged on books this week.

I also bought The Biggest Loser's Calorie Counter book. That one I don't have yet because it is being shipped from Amazon.

What an awesome Green Giveaway!

2010-04-22T10:33:00.003-05:00

Now this is one cool giveaway http://www.fashionmeetsfood.com/2010/04/green-is-new-pink.html. I love bamboo and really want those utensils. Not to mention this is one of the best blogs out there. New posts pop up all day and I get to see stuff that I would never find anywhere else. I highly suggest you follow.

Weighty Issues

2010-04-22T08:35:00.002-05:00

I am very happy to report that again yesterday I completed my C25K run. The first couple of intervals almost seemed to be a little harder than the first time but maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me because the run did seem to go by very quickly. I am not going to stop but I have to admit that I am scared. I am scared if I will really ever get to the point that I can run non-stop. I know I just started but it is still a thought that haunts me. I just wonder if I will ever get to the point that it is not so hard and if I can really complete an entire 5K. But then again I can remember about a year or so ago that I could not even walk the 1.5miles around the park so I know that I have made progress. Today I don't run but I am planning to make 2 trips around the park for a total of 3 miles. I am ready to not have to look at the timer for my interval times and to just get to enjoy my ipod.

This morning I have been catching up on the blogs that I follow and I came across this http://ashiebee.blogspot.com/2010/04/stupid-scale.html entry. Anyway, I could not believe it when I read this because it sounded so much like me. Right now I do not have a scale because the one I originally had quit working. I have been debating on buying a new one but after reading that blog it reminded me how I was a slave to the scale. I do like seeing my progress in numbers but then again it has been really nice not putting that pressure on myself. I know that I am losing because my clothes keep getting bigger and I can see it in the mirror. When I had a scale I would tell myself that I would only weigh in once a week but then every single day I would end up hopping on that damn thing. If there was a lose I would be giddy but god help me if there was no change or worse yet a gain. I would then get so depressed. Maybe that is one reason I am doing better this time around. Plus the 5K gives me another goal to work on besides my magical number of 150.

I also wanted to talk today a little about something that came up when I was having a conversation the other day with my mom and sister. We had been watching Dr. Phil and it was about children who are obese. I started talking about how I was never really ever picked on by other kids. I can remember maybe on or 2 times total in all of the years of being fat that anyone ever said anything to my face about it. Well my sister then told me that she is the one who had to hear all of the jokes and comments about me. She said that she always had to stand up for me and that is something she had been dealing with in her counseling. I always knew that people did make snide remarks and I know that she had to hear a lot of it but coming from my little sister that really hurt. It hurt because I want to protect her and I don't want her having to protect me and I had never really thought about how my weight effects those around me. My little sister has always been thin and she was the "pretty one" while I was the "smart one". I knew that she had issues growing up thinking that she was dumb. She was never dumb and in fact she is the one out of the two of us that graduated from high school and who just last year got her bachelor's degree first. I am so very proud of her and all that she has accomplished. But I digress, and the reason I brought this up is because I don't think that we all see what our weight and/or health problems do to those we love. Really that goes for just about anything and not just weight. So often I have thought it is my life and I can do whatever I want, but in the long run what I do does effect those around me because they love me and are always there to help pick up the pieces if I do make a bad decision.

And yes you all read that right earlier, I honestly was not ever really made fun of for my weight. I also never felt like walking up the stairs was a challenge, I have never felt like people out in public were staring at me, I never felt discriminated against, I still had people open doors for me, I still had people look me in the eyes and be nice to me, and I still got lots of compliments. Now I am not saying at all that being fat has been easy, because it sure has. During my 20's I dated but most of the time went I went out the clubs with my friends I was never hit on and rarely ever got asked to dance. In school I never did date anyone that I went to school with. I ended up hanging out with a "bad" crowd and for many years dated a guys that were both older than me and who had dropped out of school. After that the couple of relationships that I had were with guys that really were more just my best friend with "benefits". I was never technically their girlfriend, yet we were together all the time and they did not date anyone else and everyone knew that we were together, yet I was not their girlfriend. I was told so many times that it had nothing to do with my weight but yes it did. I was also always the one with the pretty face. I know that my weight also held me back from many experiences just because I was self conscious. Back in 8th grade every girl who wanted to be a cheerleader was allowed to be one. You did not have to try out or anything all you had to do was sign up. I went to the meeting and was going to cheer along with my friends but then came the time to get our uniforms. The company where they got the uniforms did not make one in my size. My mother offered to make one for me but I just said forget it and did not end up a cheerleader. I wanted to take Karate but was too scared to have to face a class. I still have that problem now. I have a real social phobia to this day.

I am hoping it all gets better as I start feeling better about myself. When I have been out running at the park there is a section of the trail that goes right by the street where the cars can see you running. I have had a few thoughts when I am running that section where I am worried about people watching me, but each time I have pushed the thought out of my head. I am not going to give myself any excuses anymore and I am going to go out there and life my life like I want to do because I deserve it. I really don't care what anyone thinks about me so I don't know why I let those thoughts get to me. I guess because somewhere deep down I do care what people think. I don't want to care, but I do. I just have to keep going and tell myself that I don't care so that eventually it will be the truth.

I am officially a runner

2010-04-19T19:46:00.002-05:00

Well guys and gals I did it, this afternoon I went and ran. The first week of C25K you are supposed to run for 60 seconds and then walk for 90 seconds. The first 60 second run I made it but barely. The rest of the run I had to take it a little shorter. I ended up running for 30 seconds followed by 90 seconds of walking. I was not going to give up and figured that starting there was better than nothing. I figure next week I can move to running for 40 seconds and keep increasing from there. At first I kind of felt a little bad but then I asked myself what the hell are you upset about? I had gotten up and actually ran. I completed the entire trail which is 1.5 miles and it took me 23 minutes and that is including the 5 minute warm-up walking.

I have until August 28th to train so I am thinking that taking it a little slower will be ok and that I will get there eventually so even if I have a longer journey that is alright. I mean a few months ago I was not even walking a mile, much lone running anything at all. I think that I put a lot of pressure on myself and this time I am just going to rejoice in my new active lifestyle and healthy eating and know that I am making positive changes and that is what matters.

I went by my parent's house after my run. My Dad happened to be there and commented that he sees I just went for a walk. I told him no that I went for a run and the look on his face was priceless. I know that I shocked him. He said that is great and I told him about the 5K and we talked about running. He was telling me how once you start running most people just fall in love with it and seem to really get into it. He was very supportive and I can tell he is very happy just seeing me up and at 'em instead of just laying around all the time.

My sister got home a little while later and I was telling her about my run too. Turns out that Old Navy, where she works, is having a family 5K walk in May for their employees and family members. She said she had not signed up but that now she will. I told her definitely that I know I can walk it for sure. She is going to take the stroller and bring my nephews and my mom said that she and my dad will go as well. When I told Jeremiah about it he said of course to count him in as well. It really feels good to be influencing the family to join in and get active as well. Last Friday Jeremiah, my sister, my 2 nephews, my mom and I all went to the Dallas Zoo for the afternoon. We walked all over the place and had a lot of fun. I can remember a time that just walking that place would kill me but I have stayed even longer if the zoo would not have been closing.

My mom said that she can not wait to see my progress and that it is going to be cool to track it and see how strong I get. I like having another focus besides just the weight. Because really for me this has always been about feeling better and having more energy. Sure, I want to look better and be able to buy "regular" clothes but my husband loves me the way that I am now and he always makes me feel so beautiful so the actual weight has never been my main priority. But I would be lying if I didn't love seeing the scale go down because it sure does feel good. That brings up the subject of fat acceptance and I do want to write about that but that is a post all on its own.

So until next time - Say goodbye to fat and hello to fit!

So I am going to run...

2010-04-19T12:23:00.002-05:00

Yikes, I am going to be a runner. I have been reading other blogs this morning and kept seeing all this talk about C25K. I was wondering what the heck are these people talking about. So, I looked it up and found the Couch to 5K training schedule to begin being a runner. I looked up 5Ks in my home area and there is one on Sat. Aug 28 and I am going to register.

Nobody else, except for my husband, knows that I have secretly wanted to become a runner and I dream of one day running a half-marathon. I think the Biggest Loser is what inspired this in me. I can remember back in school at PE I absolutely hated to run. I used to walk it with my friends and gossip the entire time. When I was in 4th grade I got bronchitis really bad and was then diagnosed with asthma and had an inhaler. When that happened I got a note from the Dr excusing me from running in PE so all I ever did was walk.

I have now been working out for a few months on my Gazelle (an air glider) and I can go 3 miles in 36 mins, well so far that is my best time. I think that running at the park is going to be way different but I am up for the challenge. And I really do think that I can do it, no better yet I know that I can!

If Michael on the Biggest Loser can run non-stop for 5 miles and he is still at way over 350 pounds then I know that being at 237 pounds is no excuse. So today is the day that I start. It is cloudy out but so far isn't raining today so I am going to the park in just a little while for my first run. Jeremiah said he can't believe that I am going to do it in public, run that is. He said he knows how self conscious I am and just did not think I would do it. He is right when he refers to the old me but this is now the new Lisa and I am no longer that girl. I can see a change in myself that takes me by surprise but that I am oh so glad has happened.

Jeremiah did call me from work just a little while ago and said he was sorry for being mean this morning. I did not think he was really being mean, but I do want him to see how much I have really changed and not to keep thinking of me like I was. In the message he said he is so proud of me and to have a great run today. And I just realized that I did need to hear it! I am not going to be ashamed that I need support and encouragement right now.

I will let you know later how the run goes.

Blogs New Name

2010-04-19T05:41:00.006-05:00

As you can see I changed the name of my blog today. When I started this blog I couldn't really think of a title so I just went pretty generic. As I have started reading other blogs I have been so jealous of the cute and funny names of the blogs out there. Some of the names I would have loved to have stolen but instead this new title just came to me. I think it is a little better than just Trying to get Healthy. I have a good sense of humor and like to think of myself as witty so I really wanted something a little more original. What do you think?

Changes

2010-04-18T04:47:00.004-05:00

I can't believe how time has just been flying by. It has already been way over a month since I really started my new way of life. And let's see I think at least 2 months of exercising now on a consistent basis. I went to the Dr. on April 13 and I was down to 237! I had really been hoping to bee at 234 but I wasn't too far off and I am so proud of what I have accomplished this far. I can say right now that I am at the lowest weight that my husband has ever seen me and we have been together for over 6 years.

The Dr. was so excited and asked me what in the world happened. I told him it is the Adipex. He told me it isn't just that. He said that he has had tons of patients gone on it and not lose a thing. I told him that one day I just woke up and knew that I wanted a change. I was ready and I could just feel it, you know? I don't know if anyone else has experienced this but for me it is like a huge light came on and I just got it, as Oprah says an "Ahh- ha moment." I feel so different and I can't even really explain it. I think is where someone has to get before they can really change. And I do not just mean with weight. I also mean with a drug addiction, a gambling problem, or any other vice. You have to finally really truly want to change, otherwise it just is not going to happen. Or even if you do change it is just short lived and then you fall off the wagon.

I believe I mentioned before that I had to get some new jeans and ended up in a size 20, down from a 24. Well, now the size 20 are getting too big. Luckily I have 30 days to exchange them because it has just been 2 weeks and I already need an 18. I hope that doesn't sound terrible, returning them like that, but darn it I can't just keep buying brand new jeans every 2 weeks! That is the reason I only bought one pair. Jeremiah had wanted me to buy a couple of pairs but I told him then that I am losing so quick it would be pointless. I am giving all my old clothes to Jeremiah's son's mom (in other words Jeremiah's ex-girlfriend). Do you think that is weird? I know she needs clothes and doesn't have a lot of money to buy anything. And a small part of me is very proud that I do not need the clothes anymore and that I am smaller than her. I know very petty of me and I shouldn't feel that way but I do. She is at least as big as I was, I am sure she was in a 3X top and who knows about pants. She said she would take anything that I can give her and if it doesn't fit she will pass it on to her friends. I have clothes going all the way up to size 30.
As a matter of fact when I was at the Dr. one of the things he brought up was how it wasn't long ago that I weighed 276, then I had gotten down to 260 and then almost to 2450 but then I shot back up to 267 and then started this diet out at 254. So I do have a wide range of clothing sizes. I used to have tons of stuff in the 18-20 range as well but a few years ago I gave up and didn't think I would ever get back down to that size and got rid of everything I had. I was sick of keeping up with so many clothes that I could not wear anymore.

On Friday night Jeremiah and I went grocery shopping. So far all I had been eating was Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine, and Smart Ones tv dinners. Well this week I decided to just a few of those and mainly get "real" food. So this will be an interesting week.
I bought some apples, tangerines, lettuce, tomatoes, yogurt, whole wheat pita pockets, flat ones (low calorie italian flavor), smoked turkey and smoked chicken sandwich meant, turkey legs (Jeremiah is going to grill them out), a very small steak for me and a bigger steak for Jeremiah (also going to grill them out), chicken breasts (italian flavor), tilapia, pork chops, steamed veggie bags for the microwave (we got corn; green beans; medley with garlic, carrots, and broccoli; and a medley with snap peas, potatoes, and red peppers), some light chocolate soy milk, Fiber One cereal (raisin honey crunch), and some Fiber One granola bars in chocolate peanut butter. I liked the chocolate and oat bars better and will get those again next time. Jeremiah also bought him some string cheese, cupcakes, twizzlers, skittles, snack-size drumsticks, baked beans, ramen noodles, and pizza.

I cooked dinner Sat night and it was pretty darn good. I baked the chicken breasts and fixed the corn. Then I sliced up 2 apples, sprinkled them with cinnamon and sugar and baked at 250 degrees for an hour until crisp. They turned out really yummy and satisfied my sweet tooth. I don't crave sweets very often but I had read about fixing these apple crisps in this months Shape magazine and I had to try them. Jeremiah even said he liked them. So, one night of cooking down and the rest of the week to go. I am not much of a cook so this big for me. Jeremiah is normally the cook in our household. Well at least he will be grilling out the turkey legs and steak.

I have also started the 7-Day Bootcamp from sparkpeople.com. So far it is going well and I will write more on that later. I really like the sparkpeople website and it has tons of great tips, free workout videos, and ways to track everything all for free! You can not beat that.

Daddy I love you

2010-03-31T18:36:00.002-05:00

I am happy to report I now weigh 241. Well at least that is what I weighed on Monday. I go back to the Dr on 4/13 and by then I want to have lost 20 pounds total, so only 7 more to go. Then onto the next goal. I really can't wait to be under 230. The last few years I have always seemed to hit a wall at 230. I know my husband has never seen below it and I am getting really excited to see it on the horizon.

After my post about enablers Jeremiah has really stepped up and been even more supportive. He is still eating some bad food in front of me but he is doing much better. He has agreed to start eating better and wants us to join the gym. He even went for a 2 mile walk with me today at the park. He said he does not want to have to count calories like I do but he does want to learn more about how to make better choices in food. I am glad that I have partner who is at least willing to do this with me.

I watched 2 episodes of Ruby this week because I had missed the week before. I am starting to really love that show. I get inspired by her and she makes me think about my issues. Last weeks episode dealt a lot with the father/daughter relationship and how much it impacts females. Many of the women who attend Ruby's Fat Night discussion/support group, have father's that had passed away. My father is still alive and I know that he loves me very very much. But I do have to admit that we never had a real close relationship. I mean I always knew he was there for us and he has been an excellent provider for the family, he has almost always worked 2 jobs. But my Dad and I never did much together, as in just the two of us. I can remember him taking my sister and I to the movies or a few times out fishing but we never had just a father/daughter day together. I always felt kind of awkward and never knew what to talk about with my Dad. I think it is much better now that I am older but when I was younger it wasn't like it is now. I guess I also wanted the type of Dad that would grill any boy that wanted to go out with me and that he would have put his foot down more. But I know in reality I shouldn't complain because I really did have a good childhood.

I am just saying that maybe most of us women do have daddy issues, even if things were not exactly bad either. I was never abused, my parents are still married today after almost 34 years and they never really fought around us, my sister and I always got what we needed and most of the time what we wanted as well. We really did have it good. I can say that and I do know that but even though it was probably about as perfect of a childhood as one can get, there are still issues and things that I need to deal with. I think no matter who great a family is there is still dysfunction because nobody is perfect.

In my family once my sister and I got into probably our teenage years we really didn't ever get hugs, kisses, or told I love you. A few years ago Lydia (my sister) and I said something to my parents about it. My mom said she never really got it from her parents and I guess it just made her uncomfortable and kind of the same thing with my dad. Plus Lydia and I both were very difficult teenagers. I am a totally rebel and hate to be told what to do. I am a total control freak as well. I left home when I was just 17 years old. I have now moved back several times over the years but when I was a teenager I wanted nothing more than to leave that house! I look back now and know I was a total brat and I do not think there is much at all that my parents could have done. They did the best that they could. And now today we all have no problem saying I love you or giving a hug and kiss. I am so glad that Lydia and I got the courage to say something because our family is definitely stronger for it. It is very important to let your loved ones know how you feel. You can know how someone feels about you but it is always so nice to hear it as well.

That is just the tip of the iceburg as far as my issues are concerned. I still have a lot to discover about myself and really do need to get into counseling. But for now this will just have to do.

Arbitrary Numbers

2010-03-23T00:41:00.002-05:00

I was thinking today about my goals. My first goal is to get below 230. I have not been below 230 in years and always get close but then hit a wall. After I get below that my next goal will be below 200. Then I hope to break 170 because that is the lowest I have ever been as an adult.

My highest weight ever was around 2 year ago at 276 pounds. At that weight I started to freak out. I was getting so close to 300 and I had told myself I would never get to 300 because that is really fat. Now why in the world could I be ok with staying around 250 but 300 was just too much for me? Most people would never let themselves get to 200 much less 250 or 276! I don't know why 300 woke me up but I am glad that it did. It is hard enough needing to lose 100+ pounds so I can not imagine having to lose more than that.

Right now I do not have a scale so I have not weighed since I began this diet. Part of me wants to see the numbers but then part of me is liking just losing the weight and not worrying every week what the number is going to be. I have to go to the doctor's office tomorrow to pick up Jeremiah's prescription for him so I think I am going to weigh while I am there. I know that I have lost weight since I can wear clothes that did not fit me before. I am secretly, well not so secret now, hoping that I have lost around 8 lbs. I think that it will be a boost to me to see in black and white that I have lost pounds.

I have been keeping up my walking and it is getting easier and easier everyday. I can now walk a mile with no problem and in fact find myself going further and further. The only drawback has been adding the extra time needed to walk more. I want to start walking in the mornings again instead of at night. That way I get the exercise done and over with and whatever happens in the day will not interfere with my exercise. It is a work in progress and I am still finding my own groove.

You are the devil

2010-03-19T00:20:00.000-05:00

The other day I happened to catch an episode of Ruby. For those of you who don't know she has a show on the style network about her battle with weight. I believe she started out around 700-750 lbs. and last I saw was at 339 lbs. Anyhow the episode that stuck with me was about enablers. I got to thinking about who all has been an enabler in my life.

My husband Jeremiah tries very hard to support me no matter what I decide. He loves me just the way that I am but he does want me to have more energy and to be more active. The problem I have with him is that right now he does not want to eat better and is constantly bringing in bad foods to the house. He told me the other day that I have to get used to having temptations around and that on The Biggest Loser, my favorite show, the contestants are being shown temptations all the time. I realize I must have self control and I have stayed very strong but it would be nice to not have to see so many sweets right in my face all the time.

We are currently living at my in-laws and somehow my father-in-law, Ken, started a running joke about him being the devil when he tempts me with food I should not eat. Just last night my mother-in-law, Tori, brought home some doughnuts and carrot-cake cookies. Jeremiah asked me to bring a doughnut to him and I told Ken about he and he laughed and said what a devil. I was talking to Jeremiah how the cookies had a whooping 90 calories each and Tori said but they are carrot-cake cookies and have good stuff in them so it is ok to eat one. I told her 90 calories are 90 calories no matter what. I have been told the same thing about drinking juice, that it is good for you. True it might not be the worst thing to have but I am not going to waste my calories on juice when I could eat the fruit itself which would be a lot more filling.

I know in my heart everyone is well meaning and they all want to see me succeed. I do not think they realize how difficult they can make it for me. Right now to me every single calorie counts and I can not afford to say to myself that one little slip up here and there is alright. Because that is what got me here in the first place. One does not realize how many calories they pile on with each little grab of something here and there because it all adds up very quickly. If I was not counting my calories right now I could have easily eaten a half dozen of those carrot-cake cookies. Right there I would have consumed 540 calories in roughly two minutes. I would love to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it but I do not have the capability to do that. I am always going to have to watch what I eat and will always have to exercise daily.

I am starting to see how all of my life I have had enablers feeding me what I want. My father is one of the world's worst. He has always brought the "bad" food into the house and he still does. My mom is now a diabetic and she does not need to have so many sweets around because she has a continual sweet tooth. I remember at one point my sister and I decided to sit my Dad down and have an intervention with him and tell him he had to stop bringing home ice cream, doughnuts, cake, etc. I think he might have stopped for a little while but if he did stop it did not last long.

In my family, like most others, we have always celebrated with food. We go out to eat to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day, etc. If my older sister comes into town to visit we normally all go out to eat somewhere. Just yesterday she was in town and I got invited to go out with her. I met her at a bar but one that also serves excellent food. She asked me what I was going to eat and I told her nothing and she said that she remembered I was on a diet. Well she kept on and insisted that I get something so I ended up settling on a half dozen of fresh oysters, one of my favorites. She had ordered some fried pickles and cheese fries and I hate to say it but I did have a couple of pickles and few fries. I did not have very many at all, just a taste (but oh they were sooo good) and it was very hard to stay away from them. She also ordered for herself a dozen of oysters but hers were backed with spinach, bread crumbs, and oozing with melted cheese. She asked me if I wanted just one and I told her no. But she kept on and on asking if I wanted just one and finally she broke me and I did have one. Afterwards I felt guilty and ashamed but only for a few minutes. I have decided it is not healthy to beat myself up over a few indulgences and I did not go crazy so it was alright to enjoy a few bites.

You see what I have to deal with. What all of us who are trying to lose weight have to deal with. It is a constant and never ending battle of will power. If I give up and just eat what I want then I end up where I am today, fat and extremely unhealthy. I am learning that I have to stand up for myself and not let the temptations get the better of me. I am never going to be perfect and I will slip up from time to time but I will not give up. I do not think that the enablers in my life wish me any ill will and they all want what is best for me. They just do not understand or get how difficult it is for me. I can not really expect them to because nobody can understand this without having gone through it themselves. Having to lose 10 or even 20 pounds is nothing like needing to lose 100 pounds. And I do need to lose the weight. I have been told but you are so pretty and you do not look like you weigh that much, you are just fine the way you are, which may all well be true but I still need to lose the weight. I need to lose it and I want to lose it so that I will feel better, not just look better. And so the struggle continues.

Blogging Virgin

2010-03-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

This is my first blog and I hope you find it as helpful to you as I am sure it will be to me. I have always found writing to be a release and a way to get my thoughts straight. I also love going back over things I wrote years ago to see how much I have grown and to remember the trials and tribulations I have experienced. So get ready because here we go!

I must start out by saying I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I am now trying to get healthy and want to get to a reasonable weight and stay there. I do not think I will ever be "skinny" but I would be happy with a size 12. Deep down I would like to get down to around an 8 but in reality I know I would be thrilled at even a 12.

At the first of this year I started to exercise and watch what I ate. When I had gone to the doctor back in November he had given me a prescription for Topamax, which is normally for migraines and seizures but is also used off-label for weight loss. I went to the pharmacy to get it filled and found out that even the generic costs $250 a month! There is just no way that I can afford that right now. My mother had said she would help with the cost but that was when we were thinking maybe $100 a month. I didn't go back to the doctor until March 2 and he then told me he has another option for me and prescribed Adipex. I wasn't really sure what Adipex was until I got home and googled it. I found out it is phentermine and is what I had taken back in 1997-1998 when I had lost around 60 pounds. I instantly got excited and really motivated. I feel like I did back then. I am determined to get the weight off and this time no matter what, I am going to make sure that I keep it off.

At the doctor's appointment I weighed in at 254. It has now been 2 weeks but I am not sure what I weigh because I do not have a scale yet. I had one but had given it to my mother and she informed me that it had quit working and she had to throw it out. I do know my clothes are loose and that I have been able to fit into some shirts I bought last August. The shirts were too small when I bought them but I never got around to returning them. I am glad I was lazy and never made it to the store since I now have some new clothes.

In addition to the diet and exercise I must figure out why I have continued to keep this much weight on for so many years. I am hoping that this blog will help me to explore myself and assist in discovering feelings I have pushed deep down somewhere. There has to be a reason I am overweight and I really want to find out what it is.