Daddy I love you

I am happy to report I now weigh 241. Well at least that is what I weighed on Monday. I go back to the Dr on 4/13 and by then I want to have lost 20 pounds total, so only 7 more to go. Then onto the next goal. I really can't wait to be under 230. The last few years I have always seemed to hit a wall at 230. I know my husband has never seen below it and I am getting really excited to see it on the horizon.

After my post about enablers Jeremiah has really stepped up and been even more supportive. He is still eating some bad food in front of me but he is doing much better. He has agreed to start eating better and wants us to join the gym. He even went for a 2 mile walk with me today at the park. He said he does not want to have to count calories like I do but he does want to learn more about how to make better choices in food. I am glad that I have partner who is at least willing to do this with me.

I watched 2 episodes of Ruby this week because I had missed the week before. I am starting to really love that show. I get inspired by her and she makes me think about my issues. Last weeks episode dealt a lot with the father/daughter relationship and how much it impacts females. Many of the women who attend Ruby's Fat Night discussion/support group, have father's that had passed away. My father is still alive and I know that he loves me very very much. But I do have to admit that we never had a real close relationship. I mean I always knew he was there for us and he has been an excellent provider for the family, he has almost always worked 2 jobs. But my Dad and I never did much together, as in just the two of us. I can remember him taking my sister and I to the movies or a few times out fishing but we never had just a father/daughter day together. I always felt kind of awkward and never knew what to talk about with my Dad. I think it is much better now that I am older but when I was younger it wasn't like it is now. I guess I also wanted the type of Dad that would grill any boy that wanted to go out with me and that he would have put his foot down more. But I know in reality I shouldn't complain because I really did have a good childhood.

I am just saying that maybe most of us women do have daddy issues, even if things were not exactly bad either. I was never abused, my parents are still married today after almost 34 years and they never really fought around us, my sister and I always got what we needed and most of the time what we wanted as well. We really did have it good. I can say that and I do know that but even though it was probably about as perfect of a childhood as one can get, there are still issues and things that I need to deal with. I think no matter who great a family is there is still dysfunction because nobody is perfect.

In my family once my sister and I got into probably our teenage years we really didn't ever get hugs, kisses, or told I love you. A few years ago Lydia (my sister) and I said something to my parents about it. My mom said she never really got it from her parents and I guess it just made her uncomfortable and kind of the same thing with my dad. Plus Lydia and I both were very difficult teenagers. I am a totally rebel and hate to be told what to do. I am a total control freak as well. I left home when I was just 17 years old. I have now moved back several times over the years but when I was a teenager I wanted nothing more than to leave that house! I look back now and know I was a total brat and I do not think there is much at all that my parents could have done. They did the best that they could. And now today we all have no problem saying I love you or giving a hug and kiss. I am so glad that Lydia and I got the courage to say something because our family is definitely stronger for it. It is very important to let your loved ones know how you feel. You can know how someone feels about you but it is always so nice to hear it as well.

That is just the tip of the iceburg as far as my issues are concerned. I still have a lot to discover about myself and really do need to get into counseling. But for now this will just have to do.

Arbitrary Numbers

I was thinking today about my goals. My first goal is to get below 230. I have not been below 230 in years and always get close but then hit a wall. After I get below that my next goal will be below 200. Then I hope to break 170 because that is the lowest I have ever been as an adult.

My highest weight ever was around 2 year ago at 276 pounds. At that weight I started to freak out. I was getting so close to 300 and I had told myself I would never get to 300 because that is really fat. Now why in the world could I be ok with staying around 250 but 300 was just too much for me? Most people would never let themselves get to 200 much less 250 or 276! I don't know why 300 woke me up but I am glad that it did. It is hard enough needing to lose 100+ pounds so I can not imagine having to lose more than that.

Right now I do not have a scale so I have not weighed since I began this diet. Part of me wants to see the numbers but then part of me is liking just losing the weight and not worrying every week what the number is going to be. I have to go to the doctor's office tomorrow to pick up Jeremiah's prescription for him so I think I am going to weigh while I am there. I know that I have lost weight since I can wear clothes that did not fit me before. I am secretly, well not so secret now, hoping that I have lost around 8 lbs. I think that it will be a boost to me to see in black and white that I have lost pounds.

I have been keeping up my walking and it is getting easier and easier everyday. I can now walk a mile with no problem and in fact find myself going further and further. The only drawback has been adding the extra time needed to walk more. I want to start walking in the mornings again instead of at night. That way I get the exercise done and over with and whatever happens in the day will not interfere with my exercise. It is a work in progress and I am still finding my own groove.

You are the devil

The other day I happened to catch an episode of Ruby. For those of you who don't know she has a show on the style network about her battle with weight. I believe she started out around 700-750 lbs. and last I saw was at 339 lbs. Anyhow the episode that stuck with me was about enablers. I got to thinking about who all has been an enabler in my life.

My husband Jeremiah tries very hard to support me no matter what I decide. He loves me just the way that I am but he does want me to have more energy and to be more active. The problem I have with him is that right now he does not want to eat better and is constantly bringing in bad foods to the house. He told me the other day that I have to get used to having temptations around and that on The Biggest Loser, my favorite show, the contestants are being shown temptations all the time. I realize I must have self control and I have stayed very strong but it would be nice to not have to see so many sweets right in my face all the time.

We are currently living at my in-laws and somehow my father-in-law, Ken, started a running joke about him being the devil when he tempts me with food I should not eat. Just last night my mother-in-law, Tori, brought home some doughnuts and carrot-cake cookies. Jeremiah asked me to bring a doughnut to him and I told Ken about he and he laughed and said what a devil. I was talking to Jeremiah how the cookies had a whooping 90 calories each and Tori said but they are carrot-cake cookies and have good stuff in them so it is ok to eat one. I told her 90 calories are 90 calories no matter what. I have been told the same thing about drinking juice, that it is good for you. True it might not be the worst thing to have but I am not going to waste my calories on juice when I could eat the fruit itself which would be a lot more filling.

I know in my heart everyone is well meaning and they all want to see me succeed. I do not think they realize how difficult they can make it for me. Right now to me every single calorie counts and I can not afford to say to myself that one little slip up here and there is alright. Because that is what got me here in the first place. One does not realize how many calories they pile on with each little grab of something here and there because it all adds up very quickly. If I was not counting my calories right now I could have easily eaten a half dozen of those carrot-cake cookies. Right there I would have consumed 540 calories in roughly two minutes. I would love to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it but I do not have the capability to do that. I am always going to have to watch what I eat and will always have to exercise daily.

I am starting to see how all of my life I have had enablers feeding me what I want. My father is one of the world's worst. He has always brought the "bad" food into the house and he still does. My mom is now a diabetic and she does not need to have so many sweets around because she has a continual sweet tooth. I remember at one point my sister and I decided to sit my Dad down and have an intervention with him and tell him he had to stop bringing home ice cream, doughnuts, cake, etc. I think he might have stopped for a little while but if he did stop it did not last long.

In my family, like most others, we have always celebrated with food. We go out to eat to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day, etc. If my older sister comes into town to visit we normally all go out to eat somewhere. Just yesterday she was in town and I got invited to go out with her. I met her at a bar but one that also serves excellent food. She asked me what I was going to eat and I told her nothing and she said that she remembered I was on a diet. Well she kept on and insisted that I get something so I ended up settling on a half dozen of fresh oysters, one of my favorites. She had ordered some fried pickles and cheese fries and I hate to say it but I did have a couple of pickles and few fries. I did not have very many at all, just a taste (but oh they were sooo good) and it was very hard to stay away from them. She also ordered for herself a dozen of oysters but hers were backed with spinach, bread crumbs, and oozing with melted cheese. She asked me if I wanted just one and I told her no. But she kept on and on asking if I wanted just one and finally she broke me and I did have one. Afterwards I felt guilty and ashamed but only for a few minutes. I have decided it is not healthy to beat myself up over a few indulgences and I did not go crazy so it was alright to enjoy a few bites.

You see what I have to deal with. What all of us who are trying to lose weight have to deal with. It is a constant and never ending battle of will power. If I give up and just eat what I want then I end up where I am today, fat and extremely unhealthy. I am learning that I have to stand up for myself and not let the temptations get the better of me. I am never going to be perfect and I will slip up from time to time but I will not give up. I do not think that the enablers in my life wish me any ill will and they all want what is best for me. They just do not understand or get how difficult it is for me. I can not really expect them to because nobody can understand this without having gone through it themselves. Having to lose 10 or even 20 pounds is nothing like needing to lose 100 pounds. And I do need to lose the weight. I have been told but you are so pretty and you do not look like you weigh that much, you are just fine the way you are, which may all well be true but I still need to lose the weight. I need to lose it and I want to lose it so that I will feel better, not just look better. And so the struggle continues.

Blogging Virgin

This is my first blog and I hope you find it as helpful to you as I am sure it will be to me. I have always found writing to be a release and a way to get my thoughts straight. I also love going back over things I wrote years ago to see how much I have grown and to remember the trials and tribulations I have experienced. So get ready because here we go!

I must start out by saying I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I am now trying to get healthy and want to get to a reasonable weight and stay there. I do not think I will ever be "skinny" but I would be happy with a size 12. Deep down I would like to get down to around an 8 but in reality I know I would be thrilled at even a 12.

At the first of this year I started to exercise and watch what I ate. When I had gone to the doctor back in November he had given me a prescription for Topamax, which is normally for migraines and seizures but is also used off-label for weight loss. I went to the pharmacy to get it filled and found out that even the generic costs $250 a month! There is just no way that I can afford that right now. My mother had said she would help with the cost but that was when we were thinking maybe $100 a month. I didn't go back to the doctor until March 2 and he then told me he has another option for me and prescribed Adipex. I wasn't really sure what Adipex was until I got home and googled it. I found out it is phentermine and is what I had taken back in 1997-1998 when I had lost around 60 pounds. I instantly got excited and really motivated. I feel like I did back then. I am determined to get the weight off and this time no matter what, I am going to make sure that I keep it off.

At the doctor's appointment I weighed in at 254. It has now been 2 weeks but I am not sure what I weigh because I do not have a scale yet. I had one but had given it to my mother and she informed me that it had quit working and she had to throw it out. I do know my clothes are loose and that I have been able to fit into some shirts I bought last August. The shirts were too small when I bought them but I never got around to returning them. I am glad I was lazy and never made it to the store since I now have some new clothes.

In addition to the diet and exercise I must figure out why I have continued to keep this much weight on for so many years. I am hoping that this blog will help me to explore myself and assist in discovering feelings I have pushed deep down somewhere. There has to be a reason I am overweight and I really want to find out what it is.