You are the devil

The other day I happened to catch an episode of Ruby. For those of you who don't know she has a show on the style network about her battle with weight. I believe she started out around 700-750 lbs. and last I saw was at 339 lbs. Anyhow the episode that stuck with me was about enablers. I got to thinking about who all has been an enabler in my life.

My husband Jeremiah tries very hard to support me no matter what I decide. He loves me just the way that I am but he does want me to have more energy and to be more active. The problem I have with him is that right now he does not want to eat better and is constantly bringing in bad foods to the house. He told me the other day that I have to get used to having temptations around and that on The Biggest Loser, my favorite show, the contestants are being shown temptations all the time. I realize I must have self control and I have stayed very strong but it would be nice to not have to see so many sweets right in my face all the time.

We are currently living at my in-laws and somehow my father-in-law, Ken, started a running joke about him being the devil when he tempts me with food I should not eat. Just last night my mother-in-law, Tori, brought home some doughnuts and carrot-cake cookies. Jeremiah asked me to bring a doughnut to him and I told Ken about he and he laughed and said what a devil. I was talking to Jeremiah how the cookies had a whooping 90 calories each and Tori said but they are carrot-cake cookies and have good stuff in them so it is ok to eat one. I told her 90 calories are 90 calories no matter what. I have been told the same thing about drinking juice, that it is good for you. True it might not be the worst thing to have but I am not going to waste my calories on juice when I could eat the fruit itself which would be a lot more filling.

I know in my heart everyone is well meaning and they all want to see me succeed. I do not think they realize how difficult they can make it for me. Right now to me every single calorie counts and I can not afford to say to myself that one little slip up here and there is alright. Because that is what got me here in the first place. One does not realize how many calories they pile on with each little grab of something here and there because it all adds up very quickly. If I was not counting my calories right now I could have easily eaten a half dozen of those carrot-cake cookies. Right there I would have consumed 540 calories in roughly two minutes. I would love to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it but I do not have the capability to do that. I am always going to have to watch what I eat and will always have to exercise daily.

I am starting to see how all of my life I have had enablers feeding me what I want. My father is one of the world's worst. He has always brought the "bad" food into the house and he still does. My mom is now a diabetic and she does not need to have so many sweets around because she has a continual sweet tooth. I remember at one point my sister and I decided to sit my Dad down and have an intervention with him and tell him he had to stop bringing home ice cream, doughnuts, cake, etc. I think he might have stopped for a little while but if he did stop it did not last long.

In my family, like most others, we have always celebrated with food. We go out to eat to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day, etc. If my older sister comes into town to visit we normally all go out to eat somewhere. Just yesterday she was in town and I got invited to go out with her. I met her at a bar but one that also serves excellent food. She asked me what I was going to eat and I told her nothing and she said that she remembered I was on a diet. Well she kept on and insisted that I get something so I ended up settling on a half dozen of fresh oysters, one of my favorites. She had ordered some fried pickles and cheese fries and I hate to say it but I did have a couple of pickles and few fries. I did not have very many at all, just a taste (but oh they were sooo good) and it was very hard to stay away from them. She also ordered for herself a dozen of oysters but hers were backed with spinach, bread crumbs, and oozing with melted cheese. She asked me if I wanted just one and I told her no. But she kept on and on asking if I wanted just one and finally she broke me and I did have one. Afterwards I felt guilty and ashamed but only for a few minutes. I have decided it is not healthy to beat myself up over a few indulgences and I did not go crazy so it was alright to enjoy a few bites.

You see what I have to deal with. What all of us who are trying to lose weight have to deal with. It is a constant and never ending battle of will power. If I give up and just eat what I want then I end up where I am today, fat and extremely unhealthy. I am learning that I have to stand up for myself and not let the temptations get the better of me. I am never going to be perfect and I will slip up from time to time but I will not give up. I do not think that the enablers in my life wish me any ill will and they all want what is best for me. They just do not understand or get how difficult it is for me. I can not really expect them to because nobody can understand this without having gone through it themselves. Having to lose 10 or even 20 pounds is nothing like needing to lose 100 pounds. And I do need to lose the weight. I have been told but you are so pretty and you do not look like you weigh that much, you are just fine the way you are, which may all well be true but I still need to lose the weight. I need to lose it and I want to lose it so that I will feel better, not just look better. And so the struggle continues.