Weighty Issues

I am very happy to report that again yesterday I completed my C25K run. The first couple of intervals almost seemed to be a little harder than the first time but maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me because the run did seem to go by very quickly. I am not going to stop but I have to admit that I am scared. I am scared if I will really ever get to the point that I can run non-stop. I know I just started but it is still a thought that haunts me. I just wonder if I will ever get to the point that it is not so hard and if I can really complete an entire 5K. But then again I can remember about a year or so ago that I could not even walk the 1.5miles around the park so I know that I have made progress. Today I don't run but I am planning to make 2 trips around the park for a total of 3 miles. I am ready to not have to look at the timer for my interval times and to just get to enjoy my ipod.

This morning I have been catching up on the blogs that I follow and I came across this http://ashiebee.blogspot.com/2010/04/stupid-scale.html entry. Anyway, I could not believe it when I read this because it sounded so much like me. Right now I do not have a scale because the one I originally had quit working. I have been debating on buying a new one but after reading that blog it reminded me how I was a slave to the scale. I do like seeing my progress in numbers but then again it has been really nice not putting that pressure on myself. I know that I am losing because my clothes keep getting bigger and I can see it in the mirror. When I had a scale I would tell myself that I would only weigh in once a week but then every single day I would end up hopping on that damn thing. If there was a lose I would be giddy but god help me if there was no change or worse yet a gain. I would then get so depressed. Maybe that is one reason I am doing better this time around. Plus the 5K gives me another goal to work on besides my magical number of 150.

I also wanted to talk today a little about something that came up when I was having a conversation the other day with my mom and sister. We had been watching Dr. Phil and it was about children who are obese. I started talking about how I was never really ever picked on by other kids. I can remember maybe on or 2 times total in all of the years of being fat that anyone ever said anything to my face about it. Well my sister then told me that she is the one who had to hear all of the jokes and comments about me. She said that she always had to stand up for me and that is something she had been dealing with in her counseling. I always knew that people did make snide remarks and I know that she had to hear a lot of it but coming from my little sister that really hurt. It hurt because I want to protect her and I don't want her having to protect me and I had never really thought about how my weight effects those around me. My little sister has always been thin and she was the "pretty one" while I was the "smart one". I knew that she had issues growing up thinking that she was dumb. She was never dumb and in fact she is the one out of the two of us that graduated from high school and who just last year got her bachelor's degree first. I am so very proud of her and all that she has accomplished. But I digress, and the reason I brought this up is because I don't think that we all see what our weight and/or health problems do to those we love. Really that goes for just about anything and not just weight. So often I have thought it is my life and I can do whatever I want, but in the long run what I do does effect those around me because they love me and are always there to help pick up the pieces if I do make a bad decision.

And yes you all read that right earlier, I honestly was not ever really made fun of for my weight. I also never felt like walking up the stairs was a challenge, I have never felt like people out in public were staring at me, I never felt discriminated against, I still had people open doors for me, I still had people look me in the eyes and be nice to me, and I still got lots of compliments. Now I am not saying at all that being fat has been easy, because it sure has. During my 20's I dated but most of the time went I went out the clubs with my friends I was never hit on and rarely ever got asked to dance. In school I never did date anyone that I went to school with. I ended up hanging out with a "bad" crowd and for many years dated a guys that were both older than me and who had dropped out of school. After that the couple of relationships that I had were with guys that really were more just my best friend with "benefits". I was never technically their girlfriend, yet we were together all the time and they did not date anyone else and everyone knew that we were together, yet I was not their girlfriend. I was told so many times that it had nothing to do with my weight but yes it did. I was also always the one with the pretty face. I know that my weight also held me back from many experiences just because I was self conscious. Back in 8th grade every girl who wanted to be a cheerleader was allowed to be one. You did not have to try out or anything all you had to do was sign up. I went to the meeting and was going to cheer along with my friends but then came the time to get our uniforms. The company where they got the uniforms did not make one in my size. My mother offered to make one for me but I just said forget it and did not end up a cheerleader. I wanted to take Karate but was too scared to have to face a class. I still have that problem now. I have a real social phobia to this day.

I am hoping it all gets better as I start feeling better about myself. When I have been out running at the park there is a section of the trail that goes right by the street where the cars can see you running. I have had a few thoughts when I am running that section where I am worried about people watching me, but each time I have pushed the thought out of my head. I am not going to give myself any excuses anymore and I am going to go out there and life my life like I want to do because I deserve it. I really don't care what anyone thinks about me so I don't know why I let those thoughts get to me. I guess because somewhere deep down I do care what people think. I don't want to care, but I do. I just have to keep going and tell myself that I don't care so that eventually it will be the truth.