Insights

I don't know how the days flew by without me blogging. I just now realized that I had not posted since Sunday. I had a good day on Monday and completed my run. I did increase the time and it was not so bad. I am looking forward to another run today.

On Monday night I made our first dinner from the Hungry Girl cookbook. I decided to make something easy to ease my hubby into this whole healthy eating thing. I made the lean bean-n-cheese enchiladas and they were great. My husband said he had to eat crow because he had been talking crap about how he thought they would be nasty. He was very surprised to find they were good and said nobody would have even known they were a low-fat enchilada.

Tuesday I made a egg beaters wrap along with spinach, tomato, and feta cheese. Then for dinner I made boneless chicken wings (they were chicken breast cut into cubes and then breaded with Fiber One and get this Low-fat BBQ Pringles). I also made a side of mashed potatoes that also had cauliflower and garlic in them. Then threw in a side of steamed veggies. So far I am really liking the recipes and they are all super easy.



So last night my husband watched The Biggest Loser with me and I think he really did get inspired. Why do I say that, well he started exercising during the last part of the show. As soon as it was over I went and grabbed my weights and joined him. I showed him the exercises I normally do and we did my entire routine together. He was a sweaty mess and had to jump right in the shower but said he did feel good. He asked to go with me tonight when I go for my run. I am super happy that he is joining in on the exercising. I had told him from now on as far as our eating I goes, I am making the meals and he can either it or make something for himself. He said to just make the food but not tell him what is in it. Works for me!

I have been catching up on blogs this morning. I get so inspired and learn a lot just from reading the journeys of others. One thing that I am always reading is how hard losing weight is. I do agree that it is hard, because if it wasn't then why has it taken so long for me to do it? However, I am starting to wonder if something is wrong with me or if I am going to suddenly crash or something because right now it is not seeming hard at all. I am not really having problems staying on track and I have been exercising religiously. Like I said the other day, I have had a few cravings but nothing really hard to ignore. I have been offered many tempting foods but have not even batted an eye at them or even wanted them at all. Honestly, I am not trying to brag or anything like that, but it has just been really easy for me. As I read other people struggling and not being able to stay on track, I sometimes feel guilty about how I have not been having those problems. Shouldn't this be so much harder? Or is it hard but I am just fooling myself somehow? I know that I was never an emotional eater. In fact I really didn't eat all that much. At least no more than a normal person would eat. The amount of food that I ate was not the problem, it was the type of food that I ate. For many years I ate all the time but I had stopped a lot of that in the past year. But I was still eating bad. I would eat things like hot pockets, burritos, microwaveable cheeseburgers, hamburger helper, frozen pizza, etc. I didn't eat a whole lot in one sitting but it was still high calorie, processed crap. I was just so lazy when it came to fixing anything to eat. There were times I would be too lazy to even fix a sandwich. But now that I have been eating better, more veggies and fruit, lean meats, more fish, nothing fried, well I find that I just don't want that old crap food anymore.

I might be lucky because I am not one who really craves many sweets. I will want something every now and then but I am not much of a sweets person. Reese's peanut butter cups, cheesecake, and my parent's banana pudding are about all that I eat of sweet stuff. Now my husband on the other hand LOVES sweets. Both he and my mom have a constant sweet tooth. I am so very thankful that I do not have those cravings. I like sour or salty things more and usually a pickle will take care of that.


I think besides the type of high caloric food that I ate, the biggest reason I was so fat was that I was totally and utterly lazy. I did not move much at all and got zero exercise. I have now been exercising regularly since January and it has become a habit. I now crave exercising and how good it makes me feel. I want to have that feeling and hate it if I ever miss a day. Not because I feel guilty but because I miss the feeling. I love running and the high that I get from it. I can see how someone can become addicted to exercise. It is like any other addiction out there but it is just one that is looked at more favorably than other addictions. But I am sure one can take exercise too far, just like any thing else out there.

I have always known that I am a very controlling person. I absolutely have to be the one in control or I just can't stand it. I am now seeing how I was the one in control of my weight and health all along and could have done something a long time ago. But for some reason being fat worked for me. Yes it was an inconvenience, made life so much harder, continually shattered my self-esteem, and in general just feed into my lazy lifestyle but in the end it all worked for me. It had to or I would not have stayed that way for so long. I think that I like to play the victim. I want to be the center of attention but I don't like to ask for the attention out right. I try to be very humble and not seem conceited or full of myself because I feel that would be looked down upon. That in turn made me put myself down and not relish in my accomplishments and be ashamed of achieving anything. I know totally sick and it does not even make much sense but I am starting to see why I stayed over 250 pounds for so long. I did not have to work hard at staying fat, it came very easy. Being fat allowed me to continue to be lazy but still get attention. I was included in a group, an obese and unhealthy group, but I belonged and had others to identify with. Back when I was in school I can remember never really feeling like I belonged. I had a lot of friends and was in a tight group but I never felt like I should have been there. I was in all honors classes throughout my education and we were all very close because we were all in the same classes together year after year. I knew that I was smart but I still did not feel like I was supposed to be there. Then in high school many of my friend were in band and I had dropped out of band after one year (6th grade) because I was too lazy to ever practice. My other best friend joined the flag corp and so she traveled with the band to all the football games and got to sit with them, etc. Our other friends who were not in band were either on the drill or in some other clique. I have often wondered if things would have been different if I would have stayed in band. At my high school it was not "nerdy" or "uncool" to be in band. A lot of the popular kids were in band so it was not looked down on.

I don't know because I did get into journalism and was on the yearbook and had gotten accepted to be in the student trainer program. The trainers were the ones who would tape up the athlete's prior to a game and would be on the sidelines in case anyone got hurt or needed anything. But then during my sophomore year I was getting my books out of the backseat of my car and another student came speeding through the parking lot and hit me. My car and I were thrown many feet and then the other car ended up pinning my leg in its bumper. I ended up having 8 surgeries on my leg and missed almost the entire spring semester of that year. When I went back to school at the beginning of my junior year I had decided that I did not want to be there. I ended up getting my GED the minute I turned 17 and then got a job for a year and then started my college education (which to this day I have not completed and I am now 32 years old). So, I was this great honors student who had so much potential but who dropped out of high school. I was bored, thought I wanted to be a nurse and figured I could go on to college anyway so who cared if I got an actual diploma or not. That decision has haunted me to this day. Part of me does not regret the decision because I am generally happy with who I have become, but I still wonder how my life could have been different. I missed prom and all of the fun senior year traditions. I have yet to ever walk across a stage to get a diploma. But, I will be getting my associate's degree next fall so that will be exciting.

I am sorry this post has gotten so very long. I started writing and all of this just came out. I am bore you but it does help me to just write it all down. Before today it never really clicked that I like to play a victim. But I am starting to see a pattern in my life and I do think it started when I got hit by that car. Now I did already have weight issues so that is not the entire reason but I do think it was a large part of what feed my obesity.